Over the weekend my friend Lauren shared a few frustrating stories about guys. She told me about a guy who, three dates into their courtship, began pressuring her to have sex with him (opens in new tab).
Whenever she declined his offer, his counterargument was:
"Come on, it's not the 1950s anymore."
She was quite exasperated and told me she couldn't figure out guys these days. Neither could I. I have no idea how a guy thinks that a statement like that is acceptable, respectful, or productive. (opens in new tab)
Four factors that make a guy act this way:
Upbringing. Some guys weren't raised to respect women. They didn't grow up with sisters, or many friends of the opposite gender (opens in new tab), and their household (for whatever reason) did not prepare them to have a gentle and selfless approach toward women.
Friends. My friends and I universally don't get laid. Coincidentally, we also don't pressure for sex. For some reason, we all revel in the fact that we fail the majority of time with women, take it with a grain of salt, and enjoy the ride (opens in new tab). The culture of my guy friends and me doesn't revolve around getting laid.
And this makes it rare and special, instead of a conquest or a "collection" of experiences that we all talk about. Lauren hung out with my friend Bill for a bit, but he lives in a different town (opens in new tab). She said she'd gladly date him if he was around because he never pressured her for sex. The bar gets lower and lower every day.
Other women. Women who give in to pressure for sex have problems of their own (opens in new tab), but another reason it's a shame is that it shows guys that they will get what they want at least some of the time. Every "reward" a guy gets with his pressuring strengthens his case to apply pressure to women.
Some guys are spoiled brats. My guy friend who was part of our discussion said: "It's just guys in New York City (opens in new tab). They think they can get whatever they want, whenever they want." (opens in new tab) Successful men who are used to getting what they want have a sense of entitlement. Staying humble when you have a lot going for you (opens in new tab) makes you a better person.
So, my friend directed the question to me: How long do you wait (in terms of number of dates) before you start thinking seriously about sex? Originally, I told her: five dates. But I thought about that number...
...and I decided that I wouldn't expect sex, or think about it, for three months. And that would be three months with an average of 8-10 dates per month, making a grand total of 24-30 dates. There are a few other factors: How often we stayed at each other's place (opens in new tab), how recent my last sexual relationship was, etc. (opens in new tab)
Personally, we all have different factors:
If you haven't had sex with many people (opens in new tab), it may take you longer to think about it
Your age may affect how long you date before you think about it.
If you're thinking of the relationship as a fling, you might think about it earlier on.
Basically, I'm not even going to try to have sex with a girl (opens in new tab) until we're both 110% sure. And this takes time, and many dates, as far as I'm concerned.
There are many reasons to wait to have sex (opens in new tab), and few to rush into it. And I'm not exactly sure how sex is mutually enjoyable if one of the parties is pressured into it.
Does the guy who pressured a woman wonder if she's enjoying it or wants to be there? (opens in new tab) Sadly, he's most likely not thinking about how she feels during the act.
What is your answer to the question and why: How many dates do you wait until it's acceptable to think about having sex? Have you ever given in to pressure? If so, how was it, and what ended up happening in the long run? Do you find many guys pressure you into sex?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens (opens in new tab)
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