Are You Dating a Jerk?

The word "Douche Bag" has become pervasive in American slang. Women use it to describe no good, rotten, bad seed scoundrels. In the '90's, TLC described these types as "scrubs," while Destiny's Child characterized the bouche bag in "Bills, Bills, Bills." Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" described a rich, preppy douche with not a care in the world besides galavanting around being fawned over by women (I'm trying to be that guy in the picture to the right).

Because I may well be a Douche Bag myself, I can't be the one to define the word. Therefore, I put together a panel of females to give me Douche Bag characteristics and stories. The responses came back in three main categories: Fashion/Style, Professional, and Behavioral.

Here is what my panel said:

Fashion/Style - Douche bags like to cling on to fashion and style movements. If he's a "poser" and doesn't believe in his style, then he's a douche bag.

- "Listens to "emo" rock (a.k.a. emotional rock like Fall Out Boy, etc.)"

- "Dresses like a tool"

- "Wife beaters and jorts accessorized with flat-brimmed sideways hats"

Professional/Financial - Douche bags are not shy about announcing their power and wealth; despite this apparent wealth, they are notoriously cheap when it comes to dating.

- "Talks a lot about his high-paying job as a financial X, Y or Z"

- "Cheap"

- "Asks people to call him "Doctor" before he even applies to or graduates med school"

- "Publicizes his salary or anything else that he thinks is big on a regular basis"

Behavioral -Douche bags treat women poorly, and they are selfish and disrespectful.

- "Not interested in meeting new people, doesn't make eye contact(as though he is above everyone else in the room)"

- "Thinks your friends are ugly"

- "Mean to your family"

- "Makes you wait without apologizing"

- "Suggests you lose weight"

- "Lies"

- "Talks about himself in the third person"

- "Cheats on his girlfriend"

In The Wild - true life stories of Douche Baggery

- "He cheated on me with the same girl, three times"

- "He didn't get me anything for V-Day but I found email confirmation for a flower delivery to his ex's house"

- "We were on vacation and, while I was asleep, he went out and hooked up with two girls. He then blamed me, saying I didn't give him enough "action"

- (From an Asian Friend of mine) "He introduced me to his out-of-town friend, who I was just meeting, as his "Asian cleaning lady"

- "He played our sex video at his fraternity housein front of 20 brothers"

- "He was supposed to be home but walked into the bar I was in...accompanied by another girl"

My favorite response from my panel is an excerpt from an email in which the douche bag in question explains, in detail, his need for more "ME" time:

"I love you more than anything, but I feel like I'm already giving you as much time as a girlfriend should need. In fact, I was curious myself, so here's a rough breakdown:

Total Waking hours in a week= 112

Time w/Ashley =~35 (~5 hours phone, 6 hours 1 mid-week visit, on average 1 full day of weekend and two evenings = ~24 hours)

Sports=~25

Work=~15

Classes/HW=~20

Roommates/Other social=~10

Eating=~7

At least Ashley gets the most hours per week (exactly 5 times the hours he spends eating), though sports could easily overtake her, considering it's only 10 hours behind. Breaking out the 6 hours mid-week visit is a nice touch- sounds like visiting hours in an insane asylum.

So, all that considered, here's my definition of a Douche Bag:

Douche Bag (n.) (pr. doosh-bag), English

1. A self-absorbed, inconsiderate, male incapable of treating a female with respect or loyalty.

2. A jerk

Plural: Douche Bags, Douche

Sentence (plural): Look at all that douche over there.

Adj: Douche

Sentence (adjective): Those shoes are so douche.

I'm working on a documentary style video of douche bag research for an upcoming post. I'd like to add you to my panel to help me define douche. What characteristics would you add to the list, and can you contribute any Douche Bag stories/experiences? What's your definition of a douche bag, besides Rich Santos (woops third person)?

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