Are You Dating a Jerk?

Maybe I should start acting like the guys in the MTV show "Is She Really Going Out With Him" (opens in new tab). I've tried to adjust my "game" before, but I end up back in square one of lameness. While women complain about "douche bags," these guys seem to do just fine attracting women. (opens in new tab)

The word "Douche Bag" has become pervasive in American slang. (opens in new tab) Women use it to describe no good, rotten, bad seed scoundrels. In the '90's, TLC described these types as "scrubs," (opens in new tab) while Destiny's Child characterized the bouche bag in "Bills, Bills, Bills." (opens in new tab) Carly Simon's "You're So Vain" described a rich, preppy douche with not a care in the world besides galavanting around being fawned over by women (I'm trying to be that guy in the picture to the right). (opens in new tab)

Because I may well be a Douche Bag myself, (opens in new tab) I can't be the one to define the word. Therefore, I put together a panel of females to give me Douche Bag characteristics and stories. The responses came back in three main categories: Fashion/Style, Professional, and Behavioral.

Here is what my panel said:

Fashion/Style - Douche bags like to cling on to fashion and style movements (opens in new tab). If he's a "poser" and doesn't believe in his style, then he's a douche bag.

- "Listens to "emo" rock (a.k.a. emotional rock like Fall Out Boy, etc.)"

- "Dresses like a tool"

- "Wife beaters and jorts accessorized with flat-brimmed sideways hats"

Professional/Financial - Douche bags are not shy about announcing their power and wealth; (opens in new tab) despite this apparent wealth, they are notoriously cheap when it comes to dating.

- "Talks a lot about his high-paying job as a financial X, Y or Z"

- "Cheap" (opens in new tab)

- "Asks people to call him "Doctor" before he even applies to or graduates med school"

- "Publicizes his salary or anything else that he thinks is big on a regular basis"

Behavioral -Douche bags treat women poorly, and they are selfish and disrespectful.

- "Not interested in meeting new people, doesn't make eye contact (opens in new tab)(as though he is above everyone else in the room)"

- "Thinks your friends are ugly" (opens in new tab)

- "Mean to your family"

- "Makes you wait without apologizing"

- "Suggests you lose weight"

- "Lies" (opens in new tab)

- "Talks about himself in the third person"

- "Cheats on his girlfriend" (opens in new tab)

In The Wild - true life stories of Douche Baggery

- "He cheated on me with the same girl, three times"

- "He didn't get me anything for V-Day (opens in new tab) but I found email confirmation for a flower delivery to his ex's house"

- "We were on vacation and, while I was asleep, he went out and hooked up with two girls. He then blamed me, saying I didn't give him enough "action"

- (From an Asian Friend of mine) "He introduced me to his out-of-town friend, who I was just meeting, as his "Asian cleaning lady"

- "He played our sex video at his fraternity house (opens in new tab)in front of 20 brothers"

- "He was supposed to be home but walked into the bar I was in...accompanied by another girl"

My favorite response from my panel is an excerpt from an email in which the douche bag in question explains, in detail, his need for more "ME" time:

"I love you more than anything, but I feel like I'm already giving you as much time as a girlfriend should need. In fact, I was curious myself, so here's a rough breakdown:

Total Waking hours in a week= 112

Time w/Ashley =~35 (~5 hours phone, 6 hours 1 mid-week visit, on average 1 full day of weekend and two evenings = ~24 hours)

Sports=~25 (opens in new tab)

Work=~15

Classes/HW=~20

Roommates/Other social=~10

Eating=~7

At least Ashley gets the most hours per week (exactly 5 times the hours he spends eating), though sports could easily overtake her, considering it's only 10 hours behind. Breaking out the 6 hours mid-week visit is a nice touch- sounds like visiting hours in an insane asylum. (opens in new tab)

So, all that considered, here's my definition of a Douche Bag:

Douche Bag (n.) (pr. doosh-bag), English

1. A self-absorbed, inconsiderate, male incapable of treating a female with respect or loyalty.

2. A jerk

Plural: Douche Bags, Douche

Sentence (plural): Look at all that douche over there.

Adj: Douche

Sentence (adjective): Those shoes are so douche.

I'm working on a documentary style video of douche bag research for an upcoming post. I'd like to add you to my panel to help me define douche. What characteristics would you add to the list, and can you contribute any Douche Bag stories/experiences? What's your definition of a douche bag, besides Rich Santos (woops third person)?

Follow me on Twitter:
twitter.com/richravens (opens in new tab)