By Rich Santos
So I noticed many of you were none too pleased with my antics the other weekend...you know, the air conditioner?
In light of my awful behavior, I decided to let you know that this girl had the last laugh.
During our makeout session, despite any amount of prodding, touching, sucking, my penis refused to perform.
My penis was like one of those British Queen's Guardsman with the big hats. The girl I was with was like a tourist jumping around the guard, trying to get him to flinch. But, like the guardsman, my penis didn't move, and unlike the soldier my penis was never standing erect.
I've done some soul searching since then and came up with many reasons (excuses) for system failure:
I Wasn't Prepared To Go That Far
I figured we'd kiss and hold each other a little at the most. So when she went below the belt, I was surprised. In fact, when she went down to give me oral sex, I was sure I'd stay flaccid, andI was saying "no, no, no" in my head as she got closer and closer. Wow, I'm damaged. Perhaps I should stop planning and preparing and just go with it.
I Was Wasted
I shared my story with a few select friends, and they blamed it on the alcohol. I was fast asleep on the floor of the girl's living room when she came back with her friend...and I would have continued sleeping if I had my way.
Another confidante chimed in: she said tequila causes flaccidity-I drank two pitchers of margaritas with friends before passing out on the floor that night.
I Didn't Know the Girl That Well
I liked this girl, and we had chemistry, but I wasn't completely comfortable. The random hookup is a little crazy, and a lot goes through my head.I'm uncomfortable in bed anyway, so the first time with a random girl is never smooth sailing.
I Didn't Truly Want To Be There
My friend at work showed me the terrible evidence: a text from me shortly before I made out: "I think I'm passing out at this apartment but I'd rather go home, eat chicken soup, listen to music and be sad." Doesn't sound like a real go-getter attitude.
The whole time we were making out,I was painfully aware of gas/solid build up in my digestive system. In fact, when she gave me the BJ, I was seriously afraid that I might not be able to control my bowels. All through the makeout, and after, I longed to go to the bathroom, but I'll never go #2 at a girl's place-- especially some girl I barely know.
My Porn Sets a High Standard
The next day I arrived home and submerged myself in my porn. I've used porn to stimulate my mind for a long time-- it's always exactly what I want. Perhaps it's making reality become secondary-not a good thing, but it's a possibility.
My Hand Is Amazing In Bed
Given my long dry spell, I'vemastered(no pun intended) the art of auto-erotic stimulation. I've figured out every angle and pressure point on my penis perfectly. I don't need sex or don't need oral sex, etc, to get erect. My hand suffices, and maybe it's tough for a girl to emulate.
Sometimes I fear that I masturbate so much that I'm damaging the sensitivity of my penis. I sure hope not.
Various Distracting Thoughts
I'm still doing that "think about other things" activity in bed. My main erection killer thought was about bedbugs. There's a bedbug epidemic in NYC, and I have vowed not to sleep in random beds. Of course, being in a random bed got me wondering about bedbugs...not the best aphrodisiac.
We Got Into It Too Fast
Foreplay excites me. We got down and dirty pretty fast.After I completely failed, we were doing smaller things-she was kissing and breathing in my ear and it was driving me crazy. During this, I actually felt things kind of awaken below my belt. So maybe we should have started with the smaller sensual things instead of jumping in to the bigger things.
My sense of timing sucks: I often wake up in the morning with relentless erections(like one of those 4 hour ones that Viagra warns against), and I wait for it to die down before getting out of bed. A Urologist told me morning erections are a good sign for my "functionality."
Therefore, I am convinced that my problem is mental/spiritual, and not physical.
What do you think my problem is? Is it one of the things above, or a combination of all these?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens
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