Are you as bad at flirting as I am? The problem could be that you're too confident.
Anew study from Queens College, in New York, has found that the best flirts are usually the people who most want your approval — also known as, the insecure types. As lead researcher Claudia Brumbaugh says in the study abstract, "Insecure people have [developed] numerous dating tactics … that they display to win over romantic partners." The insecure person, who is very sensitive to how a person might be responding to him, is careful not to go on and on about himself or his job, and he is more likely to be warm and engaging, to extend compliments, and to make jokes in order to entertain the person he's trying to impress. The insecure person is more self-conscious — but that means he's also more self-aware. So he'll pick up on it if he's led you down a lackluster conversation path and change topics. He'll also notice if you're not enjoying yourself and try to do something to make you more at ease.
A confident person, on the other hand, isn't as concerned with gaining your approval, because he thinks enough of himself that he doesn't need the thumbs-up from you — which means he can come off as arrogant. He might be so interested in his own career, or so convinced of the importance of the work he's doing, that he spends all night on a first date talking about himself — which is not exactly a turn-on.
(Did a certain someone I know spend our first three dates mostly talking about himself, his work, his opinions? He did. Did I find it kind of annoying and off-putting? I did. Did I find it strangely relaxing, as well as sort of interesting? I did. Was he clearly confident when it came to pursuing me, and not playing games? He was.)
The insecure types have an advantage, it seems, when it comes to courting — but they lose out in the long-term, because their insecurities eventually catch up with them. As Brumbaugh told New York mag, "Insecurity leads to problems like poor communications, and anxious people in particular are jealous." Similarly, they're also a lot more likely to cheat, as far as I can tell.
Folks, do you have stories about bad first dates with self-confident people who eventually showed themselves to be great partners? Or about a great early dalliance with an insecure flirt, who made you miserable in the end?
-
Tia Is Launching Fertility—and Preparing for a Post-Roe America
As women's healthcare startup Tia was gearing up to debut fertility care and a new clinic, the Roe v. Wade leak prompted CEO Carolyn Witte to accelerate plans to offer medication abortions, marking the most defining moment yet for the company.
By Tanya Benedicto Klich
-
The Cannes Film Festival 2022: The Best Red Carpet Looks
Here's what everyone wore for the festival's 75th year.
By Sara Holzman
-
Why the Royals Have to Adhere to Strict Dining Rules, According to an Etiquette Expert
Imagine the infamy of sticking your pinky out when drinking tea, LOL.
By Iris Goldsztajn
-
The 50 Best Vibrators, According to Sex Toy Experts
The most trusted source in feelin' yourself.
By Alanna Greco
-
The 16 Best Sex Games to Spice Up Date Night With
Game night, but make it hot.
By The Editors
-
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
By Melanie LaForce
-
Four Flirting Fun Facts--With Research to Back Them Up!
My pal Judy Dutton just wrote an excellent new book: How We Do It: How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover. She's chatted with me about the psychological studies that show how best to flirt; what kind of pick-up lines work best; and what you're really saying with your body language.
By Maura Kelly
-
100 Sex Songs That Won't Make You Cringe
Dim the lights and hit play on this sex songs — the perfect playlist of songs to have sex to.
By The Editors
-
75 Movie Sex Scenes That Are 100 Percent Real
These actors aren't faking anything.
By Mehera Bonner
-
33 Unexpected Valentine's Day 2022 Date Ideas
A.k.a. not dinner and roses.
By The Editors
-
Cult Status Satisfyer Vibrators Are Under $40 for Prime Day
4 stars, 16k reviews...yeah, this vibe's got a massive fan club (for good reason).
By Carina Hsieh