Remember those Summers Eve commercials? They exposed me to the horror that my sisters might be sitting on the beach with my mom discussing the pros and cons of douching.
Lately I've been barraged by a number of creepy sex commercials. In case you're wondering, I actually find "Viva Viagara" to be a pretty catchy tune.
Here are a couple of recent offenders:
Trojan's Vibrating Touch
There's a fine line between women talking about masturbating in a sexy way, and in a creepy way.
One of the women mentions "everyone has been talking about it." No way-guys don't even talk about masturbating that much!
Then the universal female adjective of goodness comes out:
"It's so cute!" Come on, no way a sex toy can be cute. I'm willing to accept that women apply the word "cute" to all good things, but a sex toy?
"My friend has been RAVING about it," says one of the girls. I envision this friend carrying this thing around(it's got a sheik carrying case like an iPod, as you find out later in the commercial), using it all over the place, addicted to its glorious orgasm producing electro-shimmy. Parking garage, pub bathroom, under he desk at work...anywhere, and everywhere.
This little vibrator has taken my "He Went to Jared" theory to an extreme. It has accomplished that buzz-worthy state where its owner is talking to her girlfriends about it. Little bastard!
Meanwhile, right behind the conversation, the old lady (who reminds me of Jessica Fletcher from Murder She Wrote) is rolling her eyes. At this point, she's on my side. I'm thinking: "can't these two horny women take it somewhere else?" I think to myself: "yeah, old lady-you and me, sister. These girls are creeping us out, right?"
The old lady just can't stand the fact that the two younger inexperienced girls can't figure out where to buy it (apparently the ad within the ad is not that effective). The old lady leans in:
"Relax girls, you can find it online"...OK, so she's telling the girls where to get it so that they can end the conversation.
She then drops the bomb:
"I mean that's where I got mine."
The creepiness hits full force here: I'm now stuck with the vision of the old lady using her vibrating touch and moaning and yeah...you know the rest.
I do love the testimonial: "let's put it this way, it's great for a relationship."
Not sure how a little thing that can guarantee an orgasm, rendering my penis useless to my girlfriend is great for a relationship, but OK.
Extenze Infomercial That Seems Longer than the Movie Ghandi
There was a time when penis-enhancement ads were relegated to the shady back pages of certain magazines. Now these products have invaded my television.
The main perpetrator is Extenze: an "all natural" product that guarantees penile enhancement. One night I was shaken from my slumbers at 3AM by a seemingly endless Extenze infomercial that featured big-bosomed (perhaps these girls used Extenze on their boobs?) Playboy type women talking about how important it is that a guy have a nice sized penis.
Some of these women even said that they had broken up with guys who were otherwise perfect, just because their penis was too small. The host (set up like a late-night talk show) then asks if Extenze could have saved the relationship.
The woman replies: "I don't know, but it definitely would have helped".
Do you mean to tell me that a woman will break up with a guy who is "otherwise perfect" just because he's not big enough down there! Extenze really is sending the wrong message.
As the commercial continued, I watched "street interviews" that were supposed to be random. But every single guy the Playboy model type girl interviewed admitted that, yes, he used Extenze. His girlfriend/wife stood by his side excitedly outlining how Extenze made their relationship so much better!
I eventually fell back asleep, and I'm convinced that somehow this endless commercial is still running on some network as I type this.
I learned a few things from these commercials:
- I should worry that girls are dating me only for my Extenzesque penis
- Women talk about masturbating openly in public more than men do
- I should stop falling asleep to, and watching WE Channel and/or Lifetime at 2 AM
What are the creepiest sex-related commercials you've seen? Do you think they send the wrong message ever? I think guys actually struggle with these types of commercials more than women do-do you agree?