To quote one of the greats: "Congratulations. You played yourself." It's not that a pile of oil-slicked leaves is inherently bad (so much chewing, tho)—it's just that it's not nutritionally or texturally good enough to be The Standard. Nonetheless, you honor tradition, have strong jaws, and know a guy who can get you family-size bags of Lucky Charms marshmallows when you inevitably get hungry two hours later.
You're the kind of person who shares a food diary on Facebook just so you can be all outraged at the author's diet of cultured sea vegetables and bee pollen. Which is fine because not everyone can be trendy, and certainly nobody can digest gluten like you. Reliable—that's what we'll call you.
We know what you did last night and respect your choices because we're all adult-ish women who have an IDFWU attitude toward non-cheesy foods when hungover here. But, like, could you and your Pedialyte move somewhere else? Eau de meaty onion is pretty aggressive at 11 a.m. Based on the tortilla-wrapped brick in front of you and how fast you snapped "I KNOW guac is extra" when you ordered it, you not super here for the opinions of others, nor are you at risk of orthorexia. Just know that Chipotle could make your current condition a lot worse, if you know what I mean.
Feels great when you get it, feels okay when you eat it, feels bad when you're done with the pickled ginger and look down like "BUT WE ONLY JUST GOT HERE." Does that mean you're a protein fiend who lives in the moment/for whichever roll has the most avocado? Yes—and one who'll need a snack soon.
Must be nice to not know what the subprime mortgage crisis is. That's because where you are, it's still the hedonistic '90s.
Stuff you brought from home
Oooooh. That looks good. Clearly, you're better at adulting and time management than those of us whose food pyramids are shaped like the Seamless logo. You're also fiscally responsible, have a Sunday meal-prep schedule, and you know what to do with all the envelopes your work sends you instead of just leaving them unopened until the deadlines have passed.
"Oops! I forgot to eat!"
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Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.
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