'The Beguiled' as Recapped by the Kardashian Family

Starring Kris Jenner as Nicole Kidman, because obviously.

Focus/Getty

(Warning: Spoilers ahead! Don't say I didn't warn you.)

Sofia Coppola's The Beguiled is the perfect combination of Oscar bait and guilty pleasure, wrapped up in a very aesthetically pleasing bow—and if you haven't seen it yet (FYI, wide release is on Friday June 30) chances are you're suffering from FOMO. But the good news is that the Kardashians are here to get you caught up in a spoiler-filled breakdown—starring Kris Jenner as Nicole Kidman, Scott Disick as Colin Farrell, Kim Kardashian as Elle Fanning, and Kourtney Kardashian as Kirsten Dunst.

So basically, the movie starts with a fleet of beautiful women trapped at a boarding house during the Civil War:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Everyone is *super* bored embroidering and planting vegetables, especially Elle Fanning:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Until one day, wounded Confederate soldier Colin Farrell shows up and is all "tend to my flesh wounds and let me plow your land." (Please feel free to interpret the phrase "plow your land" in more ways than one.)

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Colin Farrell quickly becomes a living, breathing thirst trap and spends his time "doing yard work:"

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

And the girls are just like:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Especially Nicole Kidman, who's overwhelmed with thirst because her age doesn't define her and she's still a woman with NEEDS:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

But she's not half as thirsty as Kirsten Dunst, who ends up sharing a tender kiss with Colin Farrell after he declares his love for her:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

But the thing is, Elle Fanning is being super flirty with Colin Farrell, and he seems here for it. Like, too here for it:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Like, way too here for it:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

And in an alarming twist, Farrell heads over to Elle Fanning's room after dinner instead of Kirsten Dunst's:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

But whoops, Kirsten Dunst catches them and shoves Colin Farrell down the stairs in a blind rage:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

Colin Farrell breaks his leg, they casually amputate it, and upon waking up, he flies into an even blinder rage:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

And Nicole Kidman is *not* here for it—especially after he threatens everyone with a gun:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

So she poisons him with mushrooms and watches him die at the table like the stone cold momager that she is:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

While Elle Fanning is all:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

And then they stand there with his dead body just all:

This content is imported from Giphy. You may be able to find the same content in another format, or you may be able to find more information, at their web site.

The End.

Follow Marie Claire on Facebook for the latest celeb news, beauty tips, fascinating reads, livestream video, and more.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and imported onto this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and similar content at piano.io
Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
More From Celebrity