More often than not, sex toys do what they're supposed to do: give you an orgasm. But sometimes fate (and uncontrollable bodily functions) has other plans.
Here, seventeen people get *real* with some serious cautionary tales about sex toys, but also a reminder that you'll laugh about it later. Eventually.
1. "The guy I was dating bought us a vibrating ring to put on his penis. He has a pretty thick shaft. After amazing sex, he went to take it off and it was stuck. It would not come off him! So we tried using lotion and it still wouldn't move and his penis was starting to turn purple-ish from losing circulation. Luckily, he trusted me with scissors to cut it off. Let's just say he won't be using that again." — Amanda, 22
2. "My husband and I got a couple's bag from a local sex shop and it came with one of those vibrating egg things that you control with a remote. We had used it a couple times, but it was pretty cheap. We were messing around with it and I kept feeling this pinch that wouldn't quit. Then all of the sudden an awful jolt went through me because apparently one of the wires was frayed and exposed, literally shocking me in the vagina." — Kendra, 22
3. "Me and ex-boyfriend were using a butt plug while cat and house sitting. During doggie style he had 'poor aim' and pushed the butt plug up inside me (the base was small, as it was an intro plug). I essentially had to go to the toilet and poo it out. Luckily, me and my ex were super chill and were laughing about it while I sat on the toilet." — Sophie, 18
4. "My boyfriend and I had always been fairly vanilla with our sex, save for a few nights where we've role played. About a year ago, I decided to buy some toys—vibrating cock ring and butt plug—to have some fun with. I've never been a fan of butt stuff but my boyfriend loves it, so I'm always down to go along. We did our thing, played with the toys, and when it was time to clean up, I pulled the butt plug out and I pooped. Everywhere. All over myself, our bed, pillows, the floor...He turned green and ran out of our bedroom. We laugh about it now but I still cringe." — Andrea, 21
5. "My cop boyfriend at the time and I were using his handcuffs from work in bed one night. Somehow in the midst of everything, the key got lost. His partner cop had to come unlock the cuffs, which made for a great joke at the station" — Tristan, 27
6. "A couple months ago, I was using a cock ring with this guy I was hooking up with. Instead of putting it on his dick, we took the vibrating part out and he was holding it on my clit while we were going at it. He somehow dropped the vibrator, but it was dark in the room and I couldn't find it. I could feel it vibrating on the bed. I got up, but was so confused because I could feel it vibrating while I was standing butt-ass naked by the bed. I then realized he had somehow slipped it inside me without me noticing. I freaked out and tried squatting, but I couldn't get it out so I made him try. While he was getting it out of me, I noticed my hands were sticky. After he got it out, he said his hands were sticky too. I turned on the light and our hands were covered in blood. I had gotten my period during sex and it was all over his hands, my hands, and the cock ring! He told me it wasn't a big deal, but I was still mortified." — Baily, 20
7. "I brought my vibrator with me when I deployed because, duh. I was afraid of coming back home with it though, because we have to through a pseudo-customs on our way back where we basically have to empty all of our bags. I didn't want to leave it behind, so I shipped it home to a friend along with some other stuff and said I'd pick it up when I got back. Well, I forgot to take the batteries out so when it got to her house, it was vibrating. When she gave me the box, she said 'Sorry, I had to open it because something was making noise.' I didn't think anything of it until I got home and realized what it was. I was mortified!" — Melissa, 28
8. "For Valentine's Day, I ordered a butt plug to surprise my boyfriend. The part that stuck outside my butt was a little candy heart shape that said Do Me. It was really cute and I was excited. We go to dinner and I'm nervous, so I drink an entire bottle of wine, go upstairs when we get home, and just shove it in. When we start to have sex, I bend over and he loves it, and everything goes smoothly. Afterwards, I was scared to take it out because I didn't want to sh*t everywhere so we got in the shower and I pulled it out and my butt made this super loud POP like a balloon. My boyfriend loses it laughing at me and now that's all he remembers about it. I went out of my way to do something special for him and he just talks about this huge POP my butt made." — Nicole, 22
9. "I got my first sex toy in the mail and I was super excited to test it out right away. I'd already bought the right batteries, so when I put them in, I pushed the button to start the vibrating magic. Except it didn't vibrate. I opened my vibrator back up and tried to see if something was wrong with the batteries. I tried to take them out but they were stuck! After one hour of shaking it, banging it on a pillow and fidgeting to get the batteries out, I was so desperate that I called my mom for help. She was kinda weirded out, but actually managed to get the batteries out. To this day, nobody knows about this but me and her." — Penny, 19
10. "I was using Ben Wa balls and they got stuck. I know it's fairly common, but I was freaking out. I Googled everything and tried everything until my boyfriend finally helped me get it out. I was so embarrassed. Then a couple weeks later, I tried again, and it happened again! I learned my lesson—I should have bought the ones with the string." — Erica, 20
11. "After a lot of pleading, my girlfriend agreed to some S&M anal play with me. She tied me up, gagged me, and lubed up a BIG dildo. It was taking way too much effort to insert it, but because I was gagged, I could not communicate this. I started to writhe and, still not sure how, the dildo got twisted and just disappeared. It was agony! She needed to get me to emergency care. I lay across the backseat as she's driving, but she gets pulled over for speeding and has to explain the whole thing. The police were helpful, after radioing the station for advice, and discussing the matter with three or four colleagues who happened to be passing. They eventually called in the fire brigade and ambulance who both sent out a crew to come and help." — Chris, 38
12. "I was using a pink flexible rubber butt plug that has the loop at the end with a former friend-with-benefits. One night, he had it in while doing me from behind, and when he was done he was very quiet which was unlike him. He politely asked me to push out. I was so confused, but I did it anyway. But when I pushed out, I passed gas—really loud and not great-smelling gas. I turned to look at him and he was swatting the smell away. I was humiliated at that point, but he asked me to do it again. Finally after a few minutes, he got it out, and explained that the plug had gone all the way in. He had used too much lube, and the more he grabbed and tried to pull it out, the deeper inside me went. " — Michelle, 28
13. "The first time my boyfriend and I tried pegging, we stupidly used a butt plug as opposed to a dildo on the harness. The shape of a butt plug is not conducive to moving in and out at speed and we ended up in an extremely messy position." — Emily, 23
14. "I was curious about using a dildo since I hadn't been with anyone in a while. So I purchased a less than pricey one from Spencer's, which I'm sure was my first problem. I had washed it with unscented soap and water as directed. I used it fine, it was odd but it worked. The second I took it out, it was like someone poured hot sauce in my vagina. My vagina was burning and hurt more than I've ever felt before. I got in the shower and just kept rinsing it with cold water. I got out and put a bag of ice on it until the burning stopped. I'd never been so scared! I immediately threw it out." — Alicia, 21
15. "My boyfriend at the time and I were using a vibrator. It was the type where a metal part vibrated and it was an attachable rubber part so you could wrap that part around your finger and use it like that. While he was fingering me with it, the metal oval part came out of the rubber part inside of me. As soon as I realized what happened, I panicked and clenched all of my pelvic muscles, making it really hard to retrieve. After about 10 minutes, he finally fished it out. So mortifying!" — April, 22
16. "I had recently received a bullet size vibrator from my sorority sister and decided to use it one night as foreplay. He was on top of me, making out and using the vibrator against my clit. I never close my eyes when kissing, so I realized when his eyes got really wide. He stopped kissing me and I kept asking him, "What? Why are you looking at me that way?" He said, "Your vibrator... it went up your vagina and I can't reach it." When I got up to turn on the light, I felt a slight buzz inside me. I started to cry and panic, but he said he was going to make sure he got it out. He kept fingering me really rough, trying to reach for it, but that only shoved it further up. I tried squatting. I put my leg up on my desk and tried to reach for it myself. After 20 minutes, I decided I needed to go to the hospital, but then he told me to lie down and he would take care of it. He turned on his iPhone flashlight and had me lay in birthing position with my legs as close to my ears as possible. I put a pillow over my face and tried to make a pushing motion as he reached in (full fist!) and then voila! It was out!" — V, 22
17. "When I got my first vibrator nearly a year ago, I went for a chic lipstick shaped bullet that was as inconspicuous as possible. During this time, I lived with my parents and two younger sisters who loved to borrow my makeup. One day, while I was tidying up my room, I stashed my vibrator in the drawer where I kept all my old makeup that wasn't ever used by me—super bad idea because my little sister decided she wanted to dig through that drawer and what did she find? A lipstick that she had never seen before! "Oh, what a cute lipstick!" she said as she opened it. Then she realized it was no ordinary lipstick. So embarrassing! I will NEVER buy another lipstick-shaped vibrator as long as I live, no matter how cute they are!" — H, 21
These confessions have been lightly edited for length and clarity.
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