Guess what happens this weekend?
It becomes acceptable to go out to public establishments and watch 90-minute LIVE ACTION MALE PORN FILMS in bars across the country — in rooms packed with throngs of giddy, drunken, ecstatic men!
What the hell am I talking about?
It's WORLD CUP time, babies! Which means that for the rest of the month, we get to regularly feast our eyes on the best and beautifullest darlings in the entire international sports world. Male soccer players are the hottest athletes, without exception — and that's not just my humble opinion. It's the gosh-darn truth. (The facts speak for themselves in Marie Claire's photo gallery of top World Cup hotties.)
It's also a fantastic time to mosey on out to a bar — completely solo, if you feel like it — and casually meet some nice fellas. (During the last World Cup, I watched two matches by myself at a place in Brooklyn called SODA, and I made some friends both times.)
So, if your boyfriend, husband, or the new guy you've been dating asks you to watch a match at the local bar, jump at the chance. That way, you can score some points for doing something he likes to do, while also thoroughly enjoying the nonstop display of masculine beauty that will unfold on the screen.
Wait — so you're a total clue-bag when it comes to soccer? Not to worry. The writer behind the popular soccer blog Unprofessional Foul, James Tyler, has some pointers on how you can get in good with the guys during this year's World Cup.
Is there one question a chick absolutely shouldn't ask while a match is on?
No questions about the length of the game, please. That will show you're unfamiliar with the basic structure of the game — and if you're with your husband or boyfriend, it will communicate that you're already bored. If we sit through date movies, it'd be nice for you to make it through a match, especially considering they're roughly the same length: It's 45 minutes nonstop for the first half and another 45 for the second half, with a 15-minute break in between.
What's the single most important thing a spectator should know about the game?
Only those two guys with the gloves (a.k.a. the goalies) can touch the ball with their hands.
Does a man feel studly when he's asked to explain the single most confusing rule in all of soccer: the whole offside thing?
If anything, it might make him feel less manly because not every guy knows exactly how to explain it! (Maura's note: If you want to read up on it, try this primer. But I can't guarantee that, even after reading, you'll totally get it.)
What's some World Cup stuff that it might seem impressive for a chick to know?
Brazil and Germany are often favored to win, and this time is no exception. The Dutch team — for most men who love the sport — are the lovable underdogs. They're the John Cusack character in any romantic comedy ... they have all the good lines and all the right moves, but they're hopelessly out of luck. They play soccer with flair and style, and one of these years, they'll win it. Plus, they play in orange jerseys — a great look.
(Maura's note: Here's a fun fact you ladies should keep on your radar: The hottest player from the Netherlands is Robin van Persie, pictured.)
Anything else?
A great trivia fact that you don't have to keep to yourself and can throw out casually at almost any time during a game is that Brazil and Argentina are the only countries to have won a World Cup while playing outside of their continent.
What should a woman wear on a soccer date? Adidas sneakers? A soccer jersey? A sundress, so that the bar-dwellers can enjoy a momentary distraction from the game?Adidas sneakers will always go over well. But I'd be careful about going too far. Play it casual. Jeans and a top will work fine.
What's the best drink to order to get in the mood?Go with your favorite beer. Or try a good domestic brew with some bite, like something from Dogfish Head. Trust me. A frosty pint on the bar lasts a long time (you can get away with one every half), holds up well, and is likely the drink of choice for everyone around you — unless it's a game that starts at 7:30 a.m., in which case you might catch an Irish coffee or two. You can't go wrong.
Should we ladies avoid saying things like "Oh, Cristiano Ronaldo ... what a dreamboat!" Or "Ah, that Didier Drogba, he turns me on!" Or "I want to play whatever that Thierry Henry is playing." Is that a sports buzz-kill?
That's all definitely something to steer clear of as tension, and perhaps your date's blood-alcohol content, will be high during the monthlong tournament.
Lovelies ... tell me who your favorite players are. And please provide links to pictures. (Or pop over to my Facebook page this weekend to let me know which matches you've watched.) Oh, and if you want to know about my other favorite hot athletes, I foamed at the mouth about them here.