9 Hilariously Unsexy Things You Never Knew About Porn

As revealed by a porn star.

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(Image credit: Getty)

I've been shooting porn for over four years. While I mostly shoot ethical feminist content, the vast majority of porn leaves people wondering, Am I supposed to look like that? How does she even get into that position?! But viewers can rest more easily knowing that the process behind the product is far more awkward than they've been led to believe. Porn stars: We trip over our own feet just like the rest of you!

So in the spirit of full disclosure, I'm going to give you the dish on the behind-the-scenes action, which is way sillier than it is sordid. Because hey, how many secrets can you reasonably expect to keep when you're naked on the Internet?

1. What looks like a bottle of lube is not always a bottle of lube.

Porn sets are usually rife with production assistants (PAs) who will give you a variety of lubricants to choose from. Problem is, many sites take care to cover up any product labels on props, which means all their liquid dispenser bottles are wrapped in tape. Identically wrapped in tape. I can't tell you how many times I've reached for what I thought was a bottle of Swiss Navy, only to have a PA dive in front of the camera to save me from squirting hand sanitizer on my crotch. Many performers are not so fortunate, and trust me, there are no moisturizing benefits to Purell.

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2. Sometimes the blow job comes before the handshake.

While finished porn may look like a very linear scene, the way that it's shot is anything but. The director may want you to whip off your clothes and shoot the blow job first, then throw them back on, fix your hair and makeup, and shoot the introductory dialogue. Which basically means you're having oral sex with someone before greeting them verbally. Additionally, directors will frequently freeze the action if they want to get a tighter shot — doesn't matter how much you're enjoying yourself or how close to orgasm you may be. For men, this is the worst, as they have to keep erections up despite the constant stopping-and-starting. I once had a director call "freeze" while someone's entire hand was inside my body. During which my scene partner and I had to awkwardly talk about the exorbitant San Francisco housing market while the crew adjusted their lenses and lights. For 15 minutes.

3. Preparing for an anal sex scene is an art form.

Asses are assets in the porn industry, and they're treated with the same meticulous care, consideration, and maintenance as an expensive foreign car. Performers, particularly women, get paid extra money for anal sex on camera. While many enjoy anal sex in their "real life," it's also become a financial decision that sometimes hinges on whether rent is due tomorrow or not. The struggle is real. Anyway, preparing for an anal scene truly is an art form. There are the dietary restrictions (usually performers coming in for a late morning shoot will not have eaten since dinner the night before), the endless "cleaning out" (enema after enema after enema, both pre-shoot and during), and the hair removal (waxing is recommended, as there is nothing worse than a razor cut on your bum). Plus you usually spend your leisure time during your shoot crouching awkwardly in the corner sticking butt plugs of increasing sizes into your body to relax your ass. If you're lucky, your scene partner will do it for you, and you'll get to lie on a couch or a bed. While you talk about the San Francisco housing market. Again.

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(Image credit: Getty Images)

4. Having a bad day? Porn don't care.

I've had a shoot where a staffer ran on set to exclaim that my car was being towed, a shoot where I had an allergic reaction to the bed sheets and had to quickly take Benadryl while a nasty rash worked its way up my stomach, and a shoot where I ran outside barefoot to intentionally dirty the soles of my feet and accidentally stomped through a family of fire ants in the process. We may be creating and selling fantasy, but when we're on set, we're just as susceptible to bad fortune as anyone else. When you're in a good mood, sex work is the best work. But if you're feeling down, usually the last thing you want to do is get naked in a room full of strangers.

5. There are few things more awkward than completely silent sex.

Due to copyright infringement laws, porn sites can't just use any music to accompany their scenes. Either they forgo music altogether, record music specifically for their project, or purchase the rights to the music they want. As you may have guessed, forgoing the music altogether is the least expensive and thus most popular option, and it also means that performers are usually having sex in complete silence. So if you're someone who likes hitting the bass beat with every thrust, or just someone who needs a sensual melody to relax and get in the mood, you're out of luck.

6. You're not always having sex with someone you're even remotely attracted to.

Porn performers come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and colors, and sexual orientations. Many heterosexual performers will readily have gay sex on camera, and many gay performers go "straight for pay." While I don't need to have a full-blown relationship with my scene partners before we work together, I do like knowing that they are generally into "me" (read: alternative-looking Italian ladies). This means we have a greater shot of achieving on-camera chemistry, and I like to make my shoots as authentic as possible. But once in a while I'll get paired with someone who, well, isn't picking up what I'm putting down. And let me tell you, there are few things more bizarre than having to show a woman how to use a strap-on harness before she uses it on you.

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(Image credit: Marcus Ohlsson)

7. Porn injuries are real, and they're uncomfortable.

Due to the rigorous athletic nature of the work, porn performers are constantly walking away from sets with battle scars. In my relatively short career, I've received genital burn from hours of condom friction, been hit in the head with a large vibrator when a PA tossed one to me, slipped on multiple sneaky patches of spilled silicone lube, and actually torn my rotator cuff during a pornographic wrestling match (I received workers compensation for the latter injury). This doesn't include the numerous mornings I've woken up after a shoot feeling like I was hit with a truck. Too many upside-down pile-drivers; not enough stretching. Please repeat after me: Porn is for consumption, not imitation!

8. You often have to do an interview right after you have wild sex. Like, right after.

Many porn sites I work for (like those within Kink.com, for example) are committed to showing that the performers are real people who have enthusiastically consented to the days work. So it's not uncommon for the director to shoot a short interview with you after your scene. You know, when you have makeup running down your face and are covered in a delightful combination of sweat, body fluids, and general debris. Let me tell you, the last thing I feel like doing when I've been contorting my body in various strenuous positions for five hours is sitting down for a broadcasted chat. It's safe to say that I've never had the desire to watch any of my post-scene interviews. I'm pretty sure I would just throw in the towel then and there.

9. You have to find a way to have sex in a tree. And in a kitchen. And in a gym.

Our society is prone to fetishizing taboos, and since most of us are used to having sex in bedrooms, the thought of doing it elsewhere can be very tantalizing. I've shot porn scenes just about everywhere: cars, trees, parks, railroad tracks, gyms, and numerous bathrooms and kitchens. And let me tell you, I'd prefer a bed any day of the week. The more "unconventional" the porn set, the more unknown variables you have to work with. Being in public, for example, you have to negotiate the legalities along with your own personal comfort (just because I like to have sex on camera does not mean I like to have sex on a street corner in full view of thousands of passersby). Having to work in undesirable weather conditions or environments that aren't temperature-controlled can be quite uncomfortable—and there's no way to make a shower stall or a marble countertop feel like a four-poster California King.

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Andre Shakti

Andre Shakti is an educator, producer, activist, and sex worker devoted to normalizing alternative desires, de-stigmatizing sex workers and their partners, and not taking herself too seriously.