Im afraid to to fly because I am giving up the control of my fate to a pilot and a gigantic piece of machinery that I cant believe can rise 35,000 feet into the air.
Im the same way in love. Its not that Im a controlling psycho who wants to possess another person. Its more about being in control of the situation and fear of leaving things up to fate. I drive myself crazy with anxiety waiting for a callback or wondering what a girl is thinking.
Control comes in many forms, and shifts back and forth depending on actions and timing. At any point in the relationship, you might ask yourself: who is in control here? Here are a few types of control within relationships:
I Am Woman Hear Me Roar
Its tough out there for guys because we have to woo, court and convince women to go out with us. Most of the time, they are the ones making the ultimate choice of whether we will date. Guys are just salesmen hoping the woman will buy their product. Sometimes the roles are reversed, but overall women are the ones who have the final say.
I Give Up and Admit I Like You
During the dance it takes a while for one participant to admit they like the other. Its part of a game where neither person wants to show their cards. And the first person who shows their cards is vulnerable, at the mercy of the other who still hasnt admitted anything. You never want to give up control by admitting you like someone too soon. Its a helpless feeling when you do.
Basically, the most comfortable feeling in any courtship is when the ball is in your court. You savor that feeling, and then you get all anxious when you give the ball back and wait for them to return it. You know when youre emailing or texting someone and you get something from the person that feels like its the end of the conversation? Then you sit there wondering if you should send one last message just to say bye or whatever.
The last person who left a message is vulnerable and the ball is in the other persons court. And you know how terrible you feel after you make that last contact when you once had the ball in your court.
Many times I let a girl make the final contact and I dont answer back so I can go out on top, and remain in control. When I call or text then I have to sit there and anxiously wonder if I said anything stupid, if she even wants to get back to me, or I go over the many things she could be busy with that are preventing her from getting back to me.
I Could Break Your Heart at Any Moment
When someones whole life and mood is dependent on their significant other, theyve lost their independence, they are no longer attractive, and theyve lost all control. This puts the other person in control, but its too much control.
When someones mood hinges on your every word, its overwhelming. Strangely, (this is my masochist side) its intriguing not knowing that someone is that into me. When I know shes totally into me, it gets a little boring. Well, maybe thats my immature side.
Taking Advantage of Your Past
When someone knows youve been hurt a lot in the past, they might take advantage of the low bar your past lovers have set. They gain an upper hand in the relationship by preying on your fears of being hurt again, or whatever part of your past they can take advantage of. Theyll cater their behavior based on your past to gain control.
Im a Nice Guy...Really
You can see this type of control demonstrated in most Lifetime movies. I often wonder if Im doing nice things because Im a nice guy, because I want people to like me, or because Im trying to manipulate someone. Plenty of guys play the nice guy role by showering you with gifts or doing nice things as a means to an end. And sometimes it takes a while to realize thats whats going on because who would ever scrutinize a nice guys behavior?
How do you see control affecting relationships? Is it OK if one person has more control at different points, or does there need to be perfect balance? What are your thoughts on my examples, and what would you add to the list?