Eternal Question: Who Is John Mayer?

A mission to understand America's most mysterious bae.

Eyewear, Glasses, Vision care, Table, Outerwear, Coat, Formal wear, Suit, Sitting, Blazer,
Eyewear, Glasses, Vision care, Table, Outerwear, Coat, Formal wear, Suit, Sitting, Blazer,
(Image credit: Getty Images)

John Mayer is many things. He's a man. He's a myth. He's a legend. He's also the subject of a Taylor Swift song. But who is John Mayer, really? We did some soul searching/investigative journalism to answer this important question, and came up with several scientific* discoveries.

*These discoveries are not at all scientific.

Jewellery, Pattern, Turquoise, Bracelet, Aqua, Natural material, Craft, Teal, Bead, Body jewelry,

(Image credit: johnmayer.shop.musictoday.com)

Because in case you missed it, his website is selling these bad boys. They have morse code on them, so if you don't read morse code already please educate yourself for the sake of John, what are you even doing?!?!?!

He's Also a Lifestyle Vlogger

A lot of photos like this are happening, and frankly, the thought of John Mayer using an old-timey typewriter whilst wearing a tiny-sleeved jacket is a joy.

Equally Important: He's Someone Who Wants Our Laundry to Smell Clean

Guys, all our bodies can be wonderlands now!

BTW, He's the Emmy's New Orchestra Leader

Musical instrument, String instrument, Musician, Music, String instrument, Guitarist, Musical instrument accessory, Plucked string instruments, Music artist, String instrument accessory,

(Image credit: Tumblr)

Deal with it.

But Wait! He's Also a Casual Beauty Guru

Lest you forget, John filmed an entire Snapchat tutorial of his facial routine. He spent $1,422, and our brave beauty editor Lauren Valenti was so inspired that she recreated the entire thing.

Hold Up, He Designs Eyewear

Turns out John "quietly relaunched" an entire company while the rest of us were at home deciding whether or not to eat that third slice of cake.

And He's a Professional Cave Photographer...Or Something

All we know is that John has a lot of feelings on caves. All the feelings. No, like, go ahead and put away your own cave-related feelings because John has them all.

And Duh, He's a Gamer

Nothing to see here, totally normal amount of money to spend, moving on.

And a Poet

The Ghost of Shakespeare is so proud.

And an Innovator in FaceTune:

What is this magic?

And Finally, He's a Man Who Posed as a Horse on Tinder

Like, not WITH a horse. AS a horse. No further comment necessary about John's inter-species experiments.

Okay, so that was a lot of discoveries and we still have zero answers. But after much deliberation, our working hypothesis is that John Mayer can't be defined, and doesn't fit into a box. Let's all agree to never put him in one.

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Mehera Bonner
Mehera Bonner

Mehera Bonner is a news writer who focuses on celebrities and royals.