John Mayer is many things. He's a man. He's a myth. He's a legend. He's also the subject of a Taylor Swift song. But who is John Mayer, really? We did some soul searching/investigative journalism to answer this important question, and came up with several scientific* discoveries.
*These discoveries are not at all scientific.
He's a Friendship Bracelet Designer
Because in case you missed it, his website is selling these bad boys. They have morse code on them, so if you don't read morse code already please educate yourself for the sake of John, what are you even doing?!?!?!
He's Also a Lifestyle Vlogger
A lot of photos like this are happening, and frankly, the thought of John Mayer using an old-timey typewriter whilst wearing a tiny-sleeved jacket is a joy.
Equally Important: He's Someone Who Wants Our Laundry to Smell Clean
Guys, all our bodies can be wonderlands now!
BTW, He's the Emmy's New Orchestra Leader
Deal with it.
But Wait! He's Also a Casual Beauty Guru
Lest you forget, John filmed an entire Snapchat tutorial of his facial routine. He spent $1,422, and our brave beauty editor Lauren Valenti was so inspired that she recreated the entire thing.
Hold Up, He Designs Eyewear
Turns out John "quietly relaunched" an entire company while the rest of us were at home deciding whether or not to eat that third slice of cake.
And He's a Professional Cave Photographer...Or Something
All we know is that John has a lot of feelings on caves. All the feelings. No, like, go ahead and put away your own cave-related feelings because John has them all.
And Duh, He's a Gamer
Nothing to see here, totally normal amount of money to spend, moving on.
And a Poet
The Ghost of Shakespeare is so proud.
And an Innovator in FaceTune:
What is this magic?
And Finally, He's a Man Who Posed as a Horse on Tinder
Like, not WITH a horse. AS a horse. No further comment necessary about John's inter-species experiments.
Okay, so that was a lot of discoveries and we still have zero answers. But after much deliberation, our working hypothesis is that John Mayer can't be defined, and doesn't fit into a box. Let's all agree to never put him in one.