The $ Secret to the $$$$ Shoe That's Sold Out Everywhere

How does it feel being seconds away from Balenciaga?

Hidden within this innocent, neither celebratory nor accusatory story simply *announcing* the return of this '80s throwback was something that, had the internet noticed, would have raised its ire far more than some trousers with elastic round the hem. What could be so repulsive? The shoes Balenciaga showed with the Pantalones That Shall Not Be Named, which cost as much 1.5 years' worth of almond flat whites—even though they're not terribly walkable and you could easily Get the Look for, like, one almond flat white, give or take a slice of pumpkin loaf.

Never mind the heel, so slanted that not even Rihanna would stand a chance of staying upright, micrometers from a grate hole or not. Never mind that the rhinestone leaves resemble Epidermodysplasia verruciformis growths, that skin condition that makes you look like you're gradually turning into Groot. Only remember that some footwear answers to a higher power than function and that, if you believe in yourself and try hard enough, you could replicate this exact photo. Sort of.

The scheme? A pair of throwaway pumps in magenta, cobalt, or black and shoe clips or earrings made for those who haven't had their lobes run through with jumbo needles on live camera. (Source these from Etsy or even your grandmother's jewelry box, though, now that we think about it, haven't you hassled the poor woman enough?) Arrange the baubles to your liking (multiples are best), clasp, and slide your feet in. (No one said this would be comfortable.)

Fashionably gaudy, highly embellished, requires suspension of pragmatism—nearly identical to the real McCoy, eh? Just make sure not to put yourself in a situation in which you'd be tempted to gyrate too vigorously—you wouldn't want to leave any of your hard work behind.

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Chelsea Peng
Assistant Editor

Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.