
Hidden within this innocent, neither celebratory nor accusatory story simply *announcing* the return of this '80s throwback was something that, had the internet noticed, would have raised its ire far more than some trousers with elastic round the hem. What could be so repulsive? The shoes Balenciaga showed with the Pantalones That Shall Not Be Named, which cost as much 1.5 years' worth of almond flat whites—even though they're not terribly walkable and you could easily Get the Look for, like, one almond flat white, give or take a slice of pumpkin loaf.
A post shared by Tommy Ton (@tommyton)
A photo posted by on
Never mind the heel, so slanted that not even Rihanna would stand a chance of staying upright, micrometers from a grate hole or not. Never mind that the rhinestone leaves resemble Epidermodysplasia verruciformis growths, that skin condition that makes you look like you're gradually turning into Groot. Only remember that some footwear answers to a higher power than function and that, if you believe in yourself and try hard enough, you could replicate this exact photo. Sort of.
A post shared by Camille Charriere (@camillecharriere)
A photo posted by on
The scheme? A pair of throwaway pumps in magenta, cobalt, or black and shoe clips or earrings made for those who haven't had their lobes run through with jumbo needles on live camera. (Source these from Etsy or even your grandmother's jewelry box, though, now that we think about it, haven't you hassled the poor woman enough?) Arrange the baubles to your liking (multiples are best), clasp, and slide your feet in. (No one said this would be comfortable.)
Fashionably gaudy, highly embellished, requires suspension of pragmatism—nearly identical to the real McCoy, eh? Just make sure not to put yourself in a situation in which you'd be tempted to gyrate too vigorously—you wouldn't want to leave any of your hard work behind.
Follow Marie Claire on Facebook for the latest celeb news, beauty tips, fascinating reads, livestream video, and more.
Stay In The Know
Marie Claire email subscribers get intel on fashion and beauty trends, hot-off-the-press celebrity news, and more. Sign up here.

Chelsea Peng is a writer and editor who was formerly the assistant editor at MarieClaire.com. She's also worked for The Strategist and Refinery29, and is a graduate of Northwestern University. On her tombstone, she would like a GIF of herself that's better than the one that already exists on the Internet and a free fro-yo machine. Besides frozen dairy products, she's into pirates, carbs, Balzac, and snacking so hard she has to go lie down.
-
Rachel Zegler and Halle Bailey on Dealing With Trolls as Modern-Day Disney Princesses
"It’s choosing to be present and know that they’re probably just having a really hard day. And I’m putting out a movie."
By Quinci LeGardye
-
Kendall Jenner in Phoebe Philo Is Luxury with a Capital L
The sum total of her outfit is approximately six months of my rent.
By India Roby
-
Kaia Gerber's "Off-Duty Librarian" Look Is a Win for Nerds Everywhere
Bookworms, this one is for you.
By Melony Forcier
-
Worth It: Miu Miu's Ballet Flats
The luxe slipper is worth the splurge—here's why.
By Emma Childs
-
The 10 Types of Boots for Women to Invest In
You'll have these pairs for life.
By Gabrielle Ulubay
-
The 14 Best Slip-On Sneakers for Women in 2023
Slide into these day or night.
By Sara Holzman
-
The 11 Best Chunky Sneakers for Women in 2023
The humble "dad sneaker" is back and better than ever.
By Julia Marzovilla
-
The 18 Best Summer Boots You'll Abandon Your Sandals For
Perfect for pairing with your floatiest dresses.
By Julia Gall
-
The 10 Best Espadrilles for Spring and Summer 2023
Your chunky-phobia, cured.
By Katie Attardo
-
The 28 Best Summer Shoes for Women, According to Fashion Editors
Make room in your closet.
By Sara Holzman
-
Take Care of It: My 15-Year-Old Uggs Look Brand New
The brand now offers a cleaning and repair service for well-loved boots.
By Julia Gall