We Took One for the Team, Taste-Tested 'The Bachelor' Wines, and Here's What We Thought

Like screeching Real Housewives, chefs who wear their sunglasses on the wrong side of their heads, and Dave Matthewses before it, this month ABC's Bachelor/ette has joined the ranks of famous people/things you wouldn't guess make wine but, huh, yeah, I guess they do.

Everyone's favorite maybe-sorta-sexist Chris Harrison-hosted reality dating competition show has its very own three-varietal collection of wine. Its makers call the collection "dramatic." Will they steal your beau? Backstab you? Will it be the Vienna to your Jake or vice versa or both?

"These amazing wines were created to capture the excitement, romance and incredible passion viewers have for The Bachelor and The Bachelorette," reads the company website, "…crafted to take you on your own romantic journey as you experience every moment of love, every moment of heartbreak that is The Bachelor."

The good news: It tastes better than you'd expect. Really! They're your standard bottle you grab at the wine shop without even looking at the label while on your way to a friend's place. Perfectly suitable for chugging while screaming at the TV because someone showed up in a dolphin costume.

The bad news: The branded bottles are each named after elements of the show (One on One, The Fantasy Suite, The Final Rose), which is actually pretty funny. Not funny, however, is that each label also carries the name of one of its two main franchises, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. The white and rosé wines are The Bachelorette. The red: The Bachelor. See what they did there? As one MC editor pointed out: "This is entirely what's wrong with the franchise, right here." You don't have to assume we only want the light, less complex, pink-colored stuff, kay? We drink whiskey, for crying out loud. As a real-life lady who has suffered through stained teeth and red wine hangovers, trust me, women drink red wine, too.

That said, there's wine to be drunk.

Here's the thing: I'm not exactly part of Bachelor Nation. (It isn't a taste level thing—I watch Vanderpump Rules religiously.) So I enlisted ten MC staffers to help taste test these wines and explain the Bachelor/ette phenomenon to me. Did you know that you have to stay together for a whole year in order to keep the ring? That feels unfair, no?

And is the current Bachelor really in it for love? "Probably not."

Okay, then! Let's move onto the wines—

One on One: The Bachelorette Chardonnay

First Impressions: What does it taste like?

"Buttery and sweet."

"Medium bodied?"

"Like the essence of grape without the acid."

"Actually tastes like a real chardonnay."

How to Pair: Describe the romantic date during which you'd drink this.

"A picnic in the mountains, which can only be accessed via helicopters, then horseback riding."

"Subtle candlelight bath."

"With seafood made after a sailing jaunt."

"An awkward first date that I can't get out of and am forced to drink this."

Final Verdict: Which past contestant does this remind you of?

"Ben Higgins."

The Fantasy Suite: The Bachelor Cabernet Sauvignon

First Impressions: What does it taste like?

"Plummy."

"Black pepper and a Fruit Roll-Up—but good."

"Woodsy/smoky."

"Smooth like a lover?"

How to Pair: Describe the romantic date during which you'd drink this.

"Bonfire on the beach—or live-action game of Clue."

"After a hike through a canyon or orchard."

"Poolside while sadly waiting for the other girls to get back from their group date."

"Luke Pell."

Final Verdict: Which past contestant does this remind you of?

"Vinny—a pleasant and unexpected surprise."

The Final Rose: The Bachelorette Rosé

First Impressions: What does it taste like?

"Fruity. What I imagine it's like to have Nick feed you strawberries."

"Grapefruit."

"Good—not too light or too sweet."

"Regret."

How to Pair: Describe the romantic date during which you'd drink this.

"Some sort of picnic."

"Something on the beach."

"Ditch the dude and hang out with your ladies instead. This rosé is too good to waste on a guy."

"Fall off a horse."

Final Verdict: Which past contestant does this remind you of?

"Caila, post-rejection."

"Bring back Lesley Murphy."

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