February Lennyscopes

Existential Horoscopes for your consumption.

horoscope graphic
(Image credit: (Nicole Licht))

AQUARIUS(January 20 to February 18)

It's time to look up more. Remember that you're an Aquarius, and while Aquarius is the water bearer, you're also an air sign and a child of the stars and shit. I know that carrying water and being dutiful and rational can be less scary than looking up at the sky, but looking up has its own rewards.

PISCES(February 19 to March 20)

Hi, boo. I totally understand the desire to know exactly what life wants for you right now. I'm a Virgo, and while I'm your opposite, that is one of my big desires too. But what life wants for you is exactly what it is, as it is, which may include not knowing what life wants for you.

ARIES(March 21 to April 19)

I think you are beginning to see that happiness is not an outside fix but an inside job. Far be it from me to say that happiness is a choice. The body's chemistry is way too complex for me to be like, "Yo, just be happy." That being said, if you recognize that there are some areas where you do have that choice, why not shape that shit for the better?

TAURUS(April 20 to May 20)

This month, I want you to try a little experiment. When you feel you are about to judge someone, say to yourself, "Whatever I judge in others is what I dislike in myself." That may not always be true, but it's true more often than you think. You might find that the people with whom you believed you had nothing in common — politically, socially, morally — are human beings just like you.

GEMINI(May 21 to June 20)

Well, mazel tov to you. You've finally begun to realize that you cannot be everything to all people or do everything that you feel you are supposed to do. Maybe you've even begun to accept this fact and, dare I say, like it? Continue on this path. I want you to believe in, and not fear, the part of you that gets a little tingle of excitement when you say, "I can't."

CANCER(June 21 to July 22)

This month, be completely honest with one other human being. Let one other human being know exactly what is going on with you, every crevice. Start with the worst stuff, the stuff that makes you feel inhuman and separates you from others. The grosser and guiltier the thing makes you feel, the more quickly you should share it. Choose the person wisely, of course. It could just be the therapist you've been lying to. But once you've picked the person, let it all rip.

LEO(July 23 to August 22)

This month I want you to abandon the question "Why?" So no asking "Why am I like this?" or "Why did I not get this thing I wanted?" or "Why is this happening?" You can actually live a gorgeous life without asking why, despite what some might say about the examined versus the unexamined life. If you feel hungry to ask why, try "How?" instead. Avoid "When?"

VIRGO(August 23 to September 22)

Virgo, I know you've been under an onslaught of those obsessive creeper thoughts. It's like, what came first, the fear or the thing you're afraid of? I rarely advise doing things for a full year, but I want you to keep a fear list this year. For an entire year, write down every fucking thing you are afraid of. Keep writing. Do this on shitty paper, not in a journal where you will feel the need to make it perfect. As the things you are afraid of don't happen, cross them off.

LIBRA(September 23 to October 22)

As much as you would like to convince others that you don't have feelings about everything, that you are handling shit, you have feelings and people see it. Surprise! You aren't that great at hiding things. The collective unconscious means that a lot of us can tell what others are going through because feelings are universal. Also, a lot of us have been through it. The good news, and the bad news, is that now you get to be what everyone already knows you are, which is human.

SCORPIO(October 23 to November 21)

Compare and despair. Let's not do this this month. I know you feel that if you don't compare yourself to other people and use your ambition, envy, and competitiveness as motivators, you might just take a really long nap and never do anything again. First of all, that would be kind of awesome. But it's not going to happen. There are other motivators beyond fear, and this month maybe you can explore what they are. When you catch yourself comparing (and you will, like every five seconds), just shut it down with the word stop.

SAGITTARIUS(November 22 to December 21)

If you're feeling cagey as fuck this month, maybe start hanging out in your dreams more often. I'm not gonna tell you to keep a dream journal, because as an astrologer if I say "Keep a dream journal" or I use the word journaling as a verb, I'm going to hate myself. But, like, pretend it's not me telling you to keep a dream journal. And maybe do that. Another thing you can do is to set an alarm for 3:30 a.m. or 4 a.m. and then go back to sleep. Sometimes you're more lucid for what's going on in there that way. Have fun. Travel astrally.

CAPRICORN(December 22 to January 19)

The things inside yourself that you think most people are analyzing and judging, no one notices. The things inside yourself that you aren't even aware of are probably what people are judging. Hehe: so basically, you don't have control of what anyone thinks, because you don't even really know what anyone thinks. What anyone thinks is none of your biz. There's a lot of liberation in that.

Melissa Broder is the author of four collections of poems, including the forthcoming Last Sext (Tin House 2016), as well as So Sad Today, a book of essays out in March from Grand Central.

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