The first time my friend ever said "I love you" to his girlfriend, he blurted it out during sex. Most guys have it right, though; either they don't think, or they think simply: "Yeah, getting laid is AWESOME." Aside from hoping she enjoys it and wondering she's evaluating my performance, my mind dredges up the following strange things during sex:
How Did I Get Here?
I build a mental bread crumb trail up to the moment of triumph: What did I say/do over the last 24 hours? If I could find common steps between all the times I got laid, I'd have a reliable system.
What if I Miss?
I've wondered, mid-thrust: What if I miss and hit a pelvic bone? I'd sustain major injury to myself and, depending on how hard I thrusted, I might even hurt her!
Ecstasy on the Bottom, Agony on the Top
I'm lazy and out of shape. If I can relax, lay back, and enjoy sex in a given position, it's great. When I'm on top too long, I have that feeling I had in Bikram yoga: "I don't know if I can handle this much longer." I challenge myself to keep going, as if I was in the Army.
What Are My Friends Doing Right Now?
When you build something up in your mind, it's not as great as you thought it would be when it actually happens. For me, sex has been all about anticipation, and not so much about the actual act. So, I wonder if I'm missing something more fun that my buddies are doing.
Sex must release chemicals in my mind that stimulate random thoughts like:
"The 29th President of the United States was Warren Harding."
"Wombats are marsupials."
...or I'll suddenly remember where I misplaced my keys in 2004. Perhaps my mind is just racing and jumbled.
Don't Ejaculate, but STAY HARD!
All guys want to be Energizer Bunnies. So, when things are hot and heavy, I just think of anything other than what's turning me on to keep from ejaculating too soon. But it's a delicate balance because I don't want to compromise my erection! Lost erection is a disaster!
Your Best Friend, My 3rd Grade Teacher
We know women imagine other people during sex. So do guys. While I'm screaming her name, I may well be thinking of her hot sister, her best friend, my third-grade teacher, Smurfette... or Baltimore Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco. Just kidding about him (maybe).
I pay close attention to reactions. She may like certain things, which I'll put in my memory bank as "go-to" moves. If she dislikes something I'll stop immediately and never do it again, and I'll feel incredibly awkward. Trial and error — so sad that that is my method.
Super-long sex gets awkward like a drunk, rambling best man speech at a wedding. If it's too long, I'll wonder if she wants to get it over with. And, if it's too short a time period, I'm embarrassed and I'm pretty sure she's not happy.
The Room Around Us
I've done the TV glance during sex. And creepy surroundings draw my attention, like a nearby picture of her mother, who seems to be staring at us while we're going at it. My cats have a way of materializing at the worst moments. I've peeked around the room for them while having sex before. And, if we are near breakable objects, or other precarious areas, I'll try to steer the whole operation to a safer location, while hoping she doesn't notice.
Birth Control Thoughts
I'll curse whatever birth control device is driving me crazy — usually the condom, with its propensity to ruin moments. And, of course, I worry about pregnancy — how well the birth control precautions are actually working.
Do I Really Like This Person?
Sometimes I wonder: What am I doing? Will this happen again? Do I even really like this person that much? Come to think of it, do they like me this much?
That's a Bad Beat
Despite my riverdance skills, I don't have rhythm. I'll recall music class where the teacher said: "Every-bod-y-keep-a-stead-y-beat," and go from there once the woman and I get into a rhythm.
The Orgasm Goal
Everything I do is based on trying to get the girl to orgasm. And we all know a female orgasm is more complicated and elusive than a male orgasm, so that just adds pressure!
It's no coincidence that my sexual encounters have not been satisfying, because I worry too much and don't lose myself in the moment. Let me toss the question back to you: What are women thinking about during sex? Are we constantly having our performance evaluated?
Stay In The Know
Marie Claire email subscribers get intel on fashion and beauty trends, hot-off-the-press celebrity news, and more. Sign up here.