I have a long tradition of spewing horrible one-liners. Sometimes (and this is the most destructive), I'll say exactly what's on my mind without considering the consequences.
As a male, I'm prone to say awful things. But if I'm going to ignore my filter (which I think is defective anyway), I'm setting myself up for disaster.
The other day my friend Margaret insulted me, yet complimented me at the same time.She said I'm great at creating awkward situations, but I'm also great at managing and getting out of them.
A big part of the art of creating these situations is the one stupid line that makes the record scratch. Here are three of my lamest lines:
My Goth Death Obsession
One night I went out shortly before I had to fly down to Atlanta. Regular readers of this blog know how petrified I am of flying. I've been working on it and I've gotten a little better. At that time, I was a mess.
Despite the number of cute girls at the party, I was obsessing over my plane crashing. Sometimes I forget that people don't want to know the details that lurk in the back rooms of my tormented mind. Because of this poor judgment, I decided to share my fear that I was going to die to any cute girl that was nice enough to lend an ear.
I had about ten conversations that went like this:
Girl: "What are you up to next week?"
Me: "I actually have to fly to Atlanta for work. (Awful line:) I'm pretty much positive I'm going to crash and die.".
Any poor girl that was brave enough to ask me why I felt that way would hear my awful follow up line:
Awful Follow up line:"I'm afraid that God is angry at me for all the sins I've committed so he's going to make the plane crash."
Last time I checked, obsessing over death was not the best way to win any ladies over. But that night, I had some kind of nervous tick that required me to confess my fear repeatedly. And my strange religious-karmic reasoning made it worse.
Needless to say I got no numbers and took no one home that night, but every girl in the party knew I was a sinner who was afraid of dying.
You Could Be In The Movies, Baby
Most women would love to be told they could be in movies, but I did it the wrong way.
I was at a party and I ran into a cute blonde girl that I knew through friends. While we were talking, I got this amazing business idea. Well, it wasn't that amazing. This girl really had a "porn look" to her.
So, I presented my business idea:
Awful line: "You know, you should star in a porn. I'll write it, and we'll split the money."
The scary thing is that I truly was speaking with an entrepreneurial spirit as if it was a good idea. I had a bright young businessman look in my eyes. She didn't get upset but I did get an earful from mutual friends who weren't too keen on my business idea.
The strange thing is that as this girl got drunker, she started to latch on to the idea as if it wasn't that bad of an idea. She came up to me and said: "Now about that porn." Maybe not such a bad line after all?
The Truth, But Not The Whole Truth
During one of my most recent horrible attempts to get a girl to come home with me, she tested me. She asked:
"What will you do if I come home with you?"
My answer?
Awful line: "Kiss you and pass out."
This was one of those cases where fifty better answers occurred to me days later.
At least I was honest-that truly would have happened if she came home with me. Well, the actual truth was:
"Eat chicken tenders and Ramen, kiss you, and pass out."
I don't think the extra detail would have helped though. I guess I was trying to under promise and over deliver?
So, class, to reviww, the following won't work:
- Telling a girl she could be in a porn, and suggesting a business plan
- Obsessing over death
- Under promising before they even come home with you
Which of these lines do you think is the worst? What's the worst line you've said to a guy, and what's the worst line a guy has said to you?
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Diary of a Non-Monogamist
