Whoever created Foosball could not have envisioned the debauchery that their cute soccer-simulation game created for my friend Margaret. One night, Margaret went home with a guy she met through me (Joe), truly wanting to play Foosball. He had the table, and that's all it took for her to head home with him.
But the journey took bad turn after bad turn. The first warning sign occurred when they crossed a bridge to get to his place. Manhattanites tend to freak out when they traverse an unexpected bridge or tunnel. Bridge-crossing meant that Margaret was in for a long trip the next morning (opens in new tab), for Joe lived in Queens.
If only this was the worst event of the night. At least Foosball awaited, aside from Queens. However, the game was too loud, and Joe's roommate broke up the fun (opens in new tab) before it even started. But Margaret, stuck in Queens, had no choice but to retire to bed with Joe.
Just being in Queens had already turned Margaret off. But things got worse when Joe made his move after spotting Margaret's birth control patch (opens in new tab):
"Wow, you're like a gift with the batteries already included."
Margaret was completely turned off after Joes's quip and she attempted to turn the other way to fall asleep. But sleeping would not be very easy in this bed. Joe, undeterred by Margaret's rejection, decided to go ahead and masturbate (opens in new tab) with Margaret lying right there next to him.
Did Joe think that Margaret might like what he was doing? In my book, penises are extremely unattractive appendages—and I've heard the same opinion of the phallus from women. I hope Joe didn't think he was turning Margaret on, but he must have—he could have gone to the bathroom at least.
In retrospect it's interesting that an innocent invitation to play Foosball turned into Margaret being stranded outside of Manhattan, while being an accessory to a guy pleasing himself. No doubt my friend uses "Foosball" as a ruse to lure the ladies back to his lair.
Most guys hone their skills for those last moments in the bar when everyone is deciding where to stay for the night (opens in new tab). They rely on a tried, true and tested gimmick to take a girl home.
My gimmicks are lame:
Sadly, because I'm not sure if the girl expects to makeout or actually partake in my gimmick (opens in new tab), the gimmick is the headline event. Maybe there's a little making out, but it's secondary to whatever gimmick I've promised.
The crazy thing is the few times I've cut to the chase, it's worked out—it's like 100% effective. By "cutting to the chase" I mean:
"Wanna come back to my apartment and makeout?"
It's a shame that we feel like we have to hide behind these gimmicks to get a woman to come home with us. There are two kinds of girls out there:
Girls that think "let's play foosball" means "let's play foosball" (like Margaret)
Girls that think "let's play foosball" means "I'm trying to get into your pants"
...I promise "let's play foosball" rarely means lying next to a guy pleasuring himself.
And if any of you girls want me to come back to your apartment, I'm easy: I just need fast internet, a cool pet, lots of food, anything Ravens/Orioles/Maryland Terps/UD Fightin' Bluehens, a HD flatscreen...or really good, ripe tomatoes with salt and pepper grinders.
What gimmicks have guys used to get you to go home with them? Do you ever go home with a guy because he's got a great gimmick? And have you ever left a guy's place when his gimmick fell through, or do you just grin and bear it? What's the best way to get a woman to come home with me at the end of the night?
Hey! Follow me on Twitter if you'd like: twitter.com/richravens (opens in new tab)
Selena Gomez’s New Hair Transformation Is So Major
The actress debuted super-long locks, freshly cut bangs, and an auburn hue.
By Samantha Holender
The Very Best Memorial Day Fashion Sales of 2022
Time to find a new bathing suit, bag, or wedding guest dress!
By Julia Marzovilla
The Wrong Formula
In the face of a baby food shortage, desperate moms are turning to strangers on Facebook to help—but social media shouldn't be the answer.
By Hayley Phelan
30 Female-Friendly Porn Websites for Any Mood
All the best websites, right this way.
By Kayleigh Roberts
70 Cheap Date Ideas for Couples on a Budget
"Love don't cost a thing." —J.Lo
By The Editors
The 50 Best Vibrators, According to Sex Toy Experts
The most trusted source in feelin' yourself.
By Alanna Greco
Diary of a Non-Monogamist
Rachel Krantz, author of the new book 'Open,' shares the ups and downs of her journey into the world of open relationships.
By Abigail Pesta
The 16 Best Sex Games to Spice Up Date Night With
Game night, but make it hot.
By The Editors
71 Fun Date Ideas for 2022
Skip the old "dinner and a movie" for something original.
By Katherine J Igoe
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
By Melanie LaForce
Four Flirting Fun Facts--With Research to Back Them Up!
My pal Judy Dutton just wrote an excellent new book: How We Do It: How the Science of Sex Can Make You a Better Lover. She's chatted with me about the psychological studies that show how best to flirt; what kind of pick-up lines work best; and what you're really saying with your body language.
By Maura Kelly