As we all know, I'm boy-crazy, and smooch-crazy. I like kissing. A lot. I think most people like kissing me back. I like kissing when it's just lips and you've got your hands on someone's chest as he pulls you in, when you're on your toes so you can reach him. I like kissing when you're on the love seat and you can't hold each other tight enough. I like kissing when you're in bed, naked, and he's ...

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Well, you see what I mean.


In the recent past, I was having a very hot-and-heavy make-out session with someone who shall remain nameless (but whom I've blogged about in some capacity). We were sitting next to each other on bar stools when he pulled me back by the hair--firmly, yet without hurting me--and it was
HOT. I was practically ready to say, "I am putty in your hands, Master. I will do whatever bidding you ask of me!"

The experience was EXCEPTIONAL. We didn't really hit it off all the way, this dude and I, which is too bad--because while I never think about what it would be like for him to hold me, or what it would be like to spend Valentine's Day with him, or even what it would be like to have another conversation with him ... I totally still wonder what it would be like to have sex with him.

Other guys I've dated have done the hair-pull thing--but as far as I can remember, every single one of them has done it during the full-on sexy time, not during the play-of-fore.


As a result of the desire The Hair-Puller inspired in me, I gave sex-life consultant Eric Amaranth a call, hoping he might be able to give you men out there some tips on how to get as good as the hair-puller.


Eric started off by telling me:

"The biggest mistakes men make in kissing is that they overpower a woman early on--diving straight into deep-mouth kissing--whereas a lot of women prefer to build up to that. So I tell men to think of kissing as a seduction that should start off simply and build in intensity as things progress."

He added that studies have shown that while men don't necessarily need to kiss to get aroused, most women do--and if ladies aren't feeling it, some good smooching can get them ready to get it on.

He went on to say that kissing can be broken down into roughly five stages.


The bodies of the two kissers aren't touching; only their mouths are. Eric's advice to men, at this stage: "Explore her lips with yours. Imagine your lips like fingers. Be thinking: I have more for you ... and I want you to come and get it." He says that as soon as a woman shifts her body closer, that's a good signal for the man to step things up a notch.


Here, the two people move a little closer to each other. Eric's advice for men: "Put your arms around her, with one at mid-back and the other at the small of her back, just above the rear end." He notes that this is a very sexy spot, and that most people don't make the most of it.

I agree with him whole-heartedly; I swear that 50% of the reason that I became mildly obsessed with the Baby Fireman is because he put his hand on the small of my back the first night I met him--so that his arm was around half of my waist--and it made me feel both safe and vulnerable at the same time.


If you've made it to this point, both people are becoming more open--literally and figuratively--to the kissing. Eric's advice for men: "Wait until the woman has opened her mouth a bit wider, indicating that she wants more. Seeing her honest erotic energy should be exciting for any man."


After the couple has been deep-kissing for a few moments, Eric suggests that the man pull a woman's body closer to his. "When you embrace her so that her chest is pressing into yours, that feels great for both of you," he points out. "You're stimulating her breasts without touching them, which is very seductive. It's a nice way to progress without crossing the line. But don't hold her so tightly that she can't breathe."


Let me say here that hair-pulling is not a requirement for any good kissing session--but done correctly, it can really up the ante, and increase the heat. Fair warning, though, that when done incorrectly, it can come of as rather barbaric, or at least unsophisticated.

However, Eric has some great advice on how to work it. "Start by moving one hand up to the back of her neck--keeping the other hand either at mid-back or on the lower back," he says. "Then you can tilt her head back a little, which is both hot and calming. Then slowly slide your fingers up the nape, along her head, spreading your fingers out. Then slowly close your fingers into a soft fist, making sure you have a broad grip of her hair. She will feel a tightening, but it won't be painful, the way it would be if you grabbed a small section of hair." He adds that not all women like to have their hair pulled--and if you are sensing that she's uncomfortable with what you're doing, don't force it. (You might even ask if she likes it.)


Eric adds that women should always feel free to take the lead, particularly if they feel like a guy is uncertain about where things are going, or how to proceed. But he points out that most ladies only need to do fairly subtle things to initiate a make-out. "If a woman holds her lips close to a man's--or tilts her head so that it's angled towards his--while looking into his eyes, with an expectant expression on her face, that's a great indicator she is ready to be kissed," he says.

Folks ... what do you think? Will these tips helpful for the gentleman?


[PS: please become a fan of the blog on facebook, right here.]


dear commenters:

-Paris: I was sitting here laughing out loud about your ex making that face. :-/ And yes, I think it's basically a general expression of discomfort, or an acknowledgement of an awkward moment--with a touch of apology. ... ALSO: Sister, this viral thing, for serious? Like, maybe we should talk.

-Alba: Thank you for writing in. It's honestly great for me--and I think for everyone else?--to hear it's not all roses and chocolates, all letters and sodas, for everyone else out there in the dating world. It ain't easy! But we're working on it, right?

- Girl in CA: You're 100% allowed to plaigirize me. I'll let Marie Claire know I gave you the okay! (I'm glad you like the advice about letting someone down easy.)

-Secret Agent: You're very cute. It made me smile, about you almost failing your test--I'm glad you didn't !

-K.: Smart advice, of course, and I'm trying to figure it out.

-My man Jack: It's so hard to advise! Because am I actually successful in my own dating life? I am not. But ... she's said this whole thing about not wanting a BF. I think that's usually a meaningful statement, esp. if she's said it recently. (If it's been months, maybe less significant.) ... All the same, this is on your brain. I don't think you'll stop wondering till you ask her. (At least, I wouldn't.) So *I* think it's worth a shot, asking her out. All you have to lose is a little rejection--and so what if that happens? Aren't you kind of a bad-ass simply for asking her--for going out on a limb and doing something that scares you? If she says no, maybe it's just that the two of you don't have complementary phermones. It could be anything. Just DON'T take it as a personal indictment.


What do you think?