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This weekend, Saturday Night Live's Cecily Strong traded Studio 8H for the Washington Hilton, where she roasted President Obama and his prospective successors before a room full of bigwigs at the White House Correspondents' Dinner (also affectionately/appropriately called "Nerd Prom").
Below, her best jokes from the hilarious night—oh, and an honorable mention to that time she made the entire room vow, "I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary [Clinton]'s appearance because that is not journalism."
- "I promise, since I'm only a comedian, I'm not going to try and tell you politicians how to do politics or whatever. That's not my job. That'd be like you guys telling me what to do with my body—I mean, can you even imagine?"
- "To some viewers watching at home on C-SPAN, hello! But to most viewers watching at home on C-SPAN, meow."
- "Let's give it up for the Secret Service. I don't want to be too hard on those guys because you know they're the only law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot."
- "And you've gotta give it up for CNN. You know, it's just comforting to know that whenever a big story breaks, I can turn to CNN and watch Anthony Bourdain eat a cricket."
- "Last year's host, Joel McHale, proves that speaking at this dinner is an amazing opportunity that can take you from starring in a show on NBC all the way to starring in that same show but on Yahoo."
- "What can I say about Brian Williams? Nothing, because I work for NBC."
- "Actually though I do love Hobby Lobby. I went there this morning and I just bought the cutest little wicker basket to hold all my morning after pills."
- "And there are so many great people who've already announced that they're running for President. It's like, who should I even vote for? (Hillary). There's Marco Rubio, it's like, who's better than Marco Rubio? (Hillary). And there's Rand Paul, I mean who's more knowledgeable about foreign policy than Rand Paul? (Hillary). And of course, there's Hillary. I mean, whose better on the economy than Hillary? (Bill)."
- "Hillary Clinton's campaign slogan is 'It's Your Time,' which I imagine is what she says to herself in the mirror when she's dead-lifting 200 pounds."
- "But Hillary Clinton has her work cut out for her. Her Democratic challengers are a who's who of who's that? Jim Webb, Lincoln Chafee, Silas Phelps, Peter Wilks. Now those last two were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but you didn't even notice, did you? How about that?"
- "Jeb Bush is probably in the race…by the way, Jeb is actually an acronym for John Ellis Bush. I guess he thought that sounded to elitist so he way overcompensated. That's kind of like if Benedict Cumberbatch decided to go by Skeeter."
- "Now Michelle, you take care of that garden while you can because in 18 months you know Bill's turning that thing into an above-ground pool."
- "A lot of you probably don't know this but President Obama and I actually grew up together in Chicago. I remember when we used to go down to the Cabrini-Green basketball courts. I'd lace up a pair of Jordans, he'd slip on a pair of my mom's jeans. We would just miss three-pointers until sundown, when of course we'd have to stop and pray to mecca."
- "After six years in office, your approval rating is at 48 percent. Not only that, but your gray hair rating is at 85 percent. Your hair is so white now that it can talk back to the police."
Watch the whole thing below, which we highly recommend:
While you're at it, you should watch the President's remarks, too, because there's an awesome special surprise at the 14:37-minute mark:
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