If there's one thing people were really grouchy about being left out of the Fifty Shades movie, it's the famous period sex scene. (Well, OK, the Ben Wa balls scene too.) So I was admittedly excited to see what insanity the new book Grey, told from Christian's perspective, would bring to the scene. The answer is: A lot. A lot of insanity. Here's everything Christian Grey thinks about period sex, analyzed.
1. He has no idea why a woman would feel weird about her partner referring to her period by asking, "Are you bleeding?"
"Are you bleeding?" I ask between kisses. She stills. "Yes," she says. "Do you have cramps?" "No." Her voice is quiet yet vehement with embarrassment. I stop kissing her and look down into her eyes. Why is she embarrassed? It's her body.
You can't say something Hannibal Lecter probably says in the bedroom and expect the woman you're fondling to be chill with it. FYI to everyone: Never ask a woman if she's bleeding unless she recently scraped her knee.
2. But even he is a tiny bit shy about period sex.
I notice a blue string between her legs; her tampon is still in place so I settle for kissing and nipping her behind gently before standing up.
How coy. We all know that tampon is no match for Christian Grey. In the war of tampon vs. Grey, Grey wins at the Battle of the Bulge.
3. His favorite dirty talk is showing off how thoroughly he read the Planned Parenthood page on birth control pills.
"Did you take your pill?" "Yes," she answers. Good.
"When did you start your period, Anastasia?" I want to fuck you without a condom. "Yesterday," she breathes. "Good."
Christian knows that if you start birth control pills within five days after starting your period, you don't need to use backup contraception and are protected right away. Way to go, Chris. (OMG, he's so much less cool as a Chris.)
4. He prefers period sex on the second day of a woman's period.
5. He's not aware that tampons wreak havoc on your plumbing.
My hand glides down her ass to the blue string, and I tug out the tampon, which I toss in the toilet.
To be fair, he lives in a new building, so maybe they have toilets that can handle a tampon flush. Yeah, on second thought, billionaires probably have tampon-compatible toilets. Point rescinded.
6. For someone who's pretty OCD, he really likes messy sex.
"Oh, Ana," I breathe as I let go, the world blurring, and I come inside her.
Not to get graphic, but there are a lot of fluids flying around at this point.
7. He thinks periods are beautiful and natural.
She shifts. "I'm bleeding," she says. "Doesn't bother me." I don't want to let her go. "I noticed." Her tone is dry. "Does it bother you?" It shouldn't. It's natural.
This is really lovely and sweet, but I bet he wouldn't have the same response if Ana really stunk up his bathroom one morning.
8. And he WILL. NOT. STAND. For women being embarrassed or grossed out by them.
I've known only one woman who was squeamish about period sex, but I wouldn't take any of that crap from her.
Thanks, I guess?
9. He doesn't know that showers are the best way to clean up afterward.
"Let's have a bath."
I don't care how comfortable you are with periods, dude, bathing in blood-water is not helping with cleanup.
10. He's still not convinced women can keep track of their own periods or birth control.
"So inquisitive, so eager for information, Miss Steele," I tease. "Oh, Mr. When Is Your Period Due?" "Anastasia, a man needs to know these things." "Does he?" "I do." "Why?" "Because I don't want you to get pregnant." "Neither do I."
Ana's got this, Chris.
11. As much as he loves period sex, he's not so into period cunnilingus.
"Are you bleeding?" "No." "Good." ...She gasps when I grab her hips and kiss the sweet junction beneath her pubic hair. Moving my hands to the backs of her thighs, I part her legs, exposing her clitoris to my tongue.
Well, this is it. We've found the thing Christian Grey will not do in bed. Congratulations, everyone, you can go home now.