After tooooo long a wait, The Kardashians has finally premiered on Hulu. And while some people are making fun of the new show for being exactly the same as KUWTK, just produced by a different company, I'm just too happy for the gossip content to care. Here's everything funny or noteworthy that happened in the first episode of The Kardashians.
Being a mom-ager is hard, guys
"I get up at 4 a.m.," Kris Jenner said in the opening scenes. "How can people not answer their phone at 7 a.m.? It's like, it's almost lunchtime."
A little later, she told her boyfriend Corey Gamble, "Here's to season..." to which he replied, "92." LOL.
Clairvoyant Kim predicted Kylie's baby's gender
As Kim, Kris and Kylie gathered in one scene ahead of a family BBQ at Kim's house, the SKIMS founder totally guessed the gender of Kylie's yet-to-be-born (and yet-to-be-named) baby, using ~science~ and ~magic~. Here's what was said:
Kim: "I know what you're having."
Kylie: "Everything just knows what I'm having."
Kim: "I can now see her belly."
Kylie: "My belly looks the same!"
Kylie then told the camera she and Travis were keeping the gender between them.
Kim: "I think it's a boy. You're skinnier this way." *Makes a gesture to indicate vertically* "You're prettier than you were last time. Like the girls take the beauty to give it to themselves. They boys, like, know what's up and they just, like, let you be a little bit prettier."
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Kim on veganism
"I'm a vegan most of the time," Kim said while picking up a plate of chicken at her BBQ. "98 percent of the time. But today I'm... going wild."
Kourtney and Travis' very predictable relationship
Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker have a steamy relationship. While filming the first episode, they weren't engaged yet. Here's how Kourt described how they got together.
Kourtney: "Travis is my boyfriend. Our homes are a block away from each other. He was one of my closest friends for probably eight years. We used to work out together all the time, just us doing stuff on a friend level. We could just be ourselves. We fell in love, and now he's my boyfriend."
*Cut to Travis inviting Kourtney to sit on his lap in case they need the extra seat... in Kim's mega-mansion. Suuuure.*
Kris to the camera: "This is a relationship that I don't think anyone saw coming because they've known each other for so long and they were such good friends."
Khloé to the camera: "I definitely saw this coming."
Kim to the camera: "For years, we have been telling Kourtney that her and Travis should hook up."
Saint stumbled on a teaser for Kim's sex tape on Roblox
In the episode's most jarring scene, Saint rushes to show Kim something on Roblox, and she takes the tablet from him to show Khloé, looking shellshocked.
Saint to Kim: "That's not my character, it's a game."
Kim to Saint: "Oh, it's a game? Oh well, we're suing them if it's a game with my name and picture."
Kim to the camera: "There was a picture of my cry face. And then I looked at it and it said something super inappropriate like "Kim's new sex tape." This is supposed to be unreleased footage from my old sex tape. The last thing that I want as a mom is for my past to be brought up... 20 years later."
Later in the episode, Kim explains she's called reps from Roblox and had her attorney on the case.
Why Kendall wasn't at the BBQ
Kendall missed out on Kim's gathering, because she had the "flu."
Kendall to the camera: "I actually didn't have the flu. I had COVID, and it sucked. But you know what, you're gonna get me for the rest of the season anyways."
Why Scott wasn't at the BBQ
Kim to Khloé: "So wait, no one invited Scott?"
Khloé: "I don't know, I didn't invite him. You didn't ask Kourt?"
Kim: "No, I just honestly forgot. ... Does that make us like awful human beings that we're going on with our lives? ... It's everything that he was always afraid of. "I don't have any family and you're my only family..." And now it's like coming true."
Kourtney to the camera: "Hold on, guys. Scott and I have been broken up for seven years, and I gave him 10 years before that, so like why is everyone making such a big deal about this? Let's just not hate on a girl who finally knows what she deserves."
Ooooof, way harsh, Tai.
Scott is a bit of a weirdo
Scott was filmed in his own house with Mason and Khloé in the next scene. He also appeared to imply he wanted to... sleep with her??? This is how the conversation went down.
Khloé to the camera: "He really is like a brother to me."
Scott to Khloé: "God must have broke the mold when he made you."
Khloé: "Just hoping."
Scott: "Get these cameras out of here and we'll go upstairs, then."
Khloé to the camera: "That being said, he does speak to me maybe a little more flirty than my real brother does. The whole thing's f***ing weird."
Later, Scott said he needed to date someone more "age-appropriate," but not over 30. He then gave in and graciously admitted he would date a decrepit elderly woman over 30. "If I love somebody, doesn't matter their age." Wow, so moving.
Kim was really nervous about 'SNL'
Behind the scenes of SNL, Kim brought up Debra Messing tweeting that she was an odd choice for a host. "It's like, why do you care?" Kim said. "I don't comment to tear people down, especially another female. If that's what you think, dude, then cool, tune in."
Why Kim Kardashian? I mean, I know she is a cultural icon, but SNL has hosts, generally, who are performers who are there to promote a film, TV show, or album launch. Am I missing something? https://t.co/WYrobkv8FiSeptember 22, 2021
The SKIMS founder was really nervous in the lead-up to hosting SNL, and played a voice not she got from Chrissy Teigen in her dressing room for the showl.
Chrissy: "Oh my God, you're hosting SNL. Oh my God, are you dying? Are you dying? Are you dying? I'm dying. Oh my God. Oh my God! OK."
Kim: "But I'm just like, "yeah, I'm dying. I'm dying. Now you're freaking me out even more.""
She also revealed Amy Schumer helped her write some jokes for her (really very good) monologue.
Where Tristan and Khloé stood before the paternity scandal
The episode was presumably filmed before news of Tristan Thompson's paternity scandal broke.
Khloé said, "Tristan and I currently are not exactly together. He's one of my best friends. I see Tristan a couple times a week. He's a really hands-on dad, and me and Tristan don't have tension. We get along really, really well. And so it's just easy to coparent with him."
She added, "I know if Tristan had his way, I guess that we would completely be together. I just need a little breathing room and time to think."
She continued, "Tristan is very determined on us getting back together. He goes to therapy quite often, a couple times a week, and we now even do couples' therapy together. I say 'couples' but it's really his therapy that I'm asked to join."
Iris Goldsztajn is a London-based journalist, editor and author. She is the morning editor at Marie Claire, and her work has appeared in the likes of InStyle, Cosmopolitan, Bustle and Shape. Iris writes about everything from celebrity news and relationship advice to the pitfalls of diet culture and the joys of exercise. She has many opinions on Harry Styles, and can typically be found eating her body weight in cheap chocolate.
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