There is no such thing as "hopping in the shower," unless you're one of those weirdos who can limit your water usage to an environmentally friendly 5 minutes. No—first, you have to select the right soundtrack (punk-rock showering or sad showering or gang-banger showering), then open Spotify on your phone, then connect to your in-bath speaker. *Then* you have to shampoo, condition, occupy yourself while the conditioner absorbs, shave, cleanse your face, and rinse, all while slowly turning like a pheasant roasting on a spit for even back-front warmth distribution. It's enough to make you want one of those special seats they have at nursing homes.
With all that effort, you deserve a reward at the end, preferably one that doesn't smell of mold and is fluffy, large enough to wrap around your body without unraveling the second you raise your arm, and handed to you fresh from a tumble in the dryer #keepdreaming. This is harder to find than it sounds—even the parts that don't require a caring person who is not your mom—but we did it. Behold: Parachute Home's bath sheet.
The brand gets a lot of love for its Ambien-effect sheets, but their Great Dane of a towel (65 percent more coverage than the standard size!) ought to have its fair share of glory for the simple reason that that is 2,800 square inches of plush Turkish cotton enveloping your vulnerable, drippy body. (Translation: That is more than enough for a makeshift robe or to pretend you're a terrycloth ghost.)
And at $39, you can afford to buy more than one to alternate, AKA keep hung up and not launder until it starts giving off fumes.