Justin Bieber's Alleged Tour Rider Leaked, and It Is Both Insane and Marvelous

Do NOT forget the helicopter.

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The only man I am grateful for today is Justin Bieber. No, he didn't do me any personal favors (still waiting, B). But this tweet, allegedly about the rider for the Indian leg of his Purpose world tour, helped me reach the level of pure celebrity-related joy I experience when contemplating giant pools of money, outlandish requests, and quirky famous-person needs.

Please take a look at it with me.

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Luxury sedans, Rolls-Royce, ping-pong table, yada yada. All fine and good. If this tweet is to be believed, Bieber will be flying into the Mumbai stadium via helicopter (is that even possible? Helicopter owners, confirm pls), which I'm surprised isn't standard for literally everyone, or at least Cher.

The Biebs is also being provided with Dove body wash (Purely Pampering or Go Fresh, though?), a glass-door refrigerator, watermelon-flavored gum, and purple carnations (classy!).

But. BUT. Our favorite part of this glorious text is this: "Top culinary experts will supervise the gourmet being served to Bieber over the 4 days with 5 dishes per day being renamed after his popular songs."

And because citizens of the internet are nothing if not industrious truth-seekers, dedicated to unearthing the most important and dearly guarded information, we have actually managed to track down the proposed menu* (*totally make up the menu right now) for the Canadian musician's five-star hotel stay.

Delectables will include:

Baby, Baby, Baby Carrots and Hummus

When You Nod Your Head Yes But Your Liver Says No Virgin Daiquiri

Beauty and a Beet Salad

Is It Too Late Now to Say Sorry, Chicken

Where Are You Now That I Pizza

One Time...I Made This Flan for Kelly Clarkson and She Loved It

As Long As You Love Meat Pie

One Less Lonely Grilled Shrimp Kebab

Never Say Never to a Hash Brown (I Would)

Mistletoe (Is Poisonous, But This Kelp Salmon Wrap Is Absolutely Safe for Consumption!)

No Sense Wasting That Lamb From Yesterday Kofta

Life Is Worth Living if You've Had This Horchata

No Pressure, But This Sashimi Platter Is Really Something

I'll Show You (How to Make These Smashed Potatoes, It's Really Easy)

Never Let You Goat's Cheese Crostini

Cold Water

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