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Amazon's Magical Buy-Things-for-You Buttons Are Here

The future is now.

Update, 7/30: I am not backing down re: we're giving Amazon way too much personal info by using their magic buttons that automatically buy you things, but that doesn't mean I can't see the appeal of never having to physically buy toilet paper again.

Exclusively for Amazon Prime members, the online retailer has rolled out $5 plastic tabs for 18 products, including essentials such as Kraft macaroni and cheese, Larabars, and *angels sing* Cottonelle. But can you specify two-ply when you hook it up to the app? What if I only want chocolate chip cookie dough-flavored Larabars? When will they add pizza? 

Oh wait. I mean, "Ew. This is such a bad idea." 

Original story, 4/1: Today, I woke up paranoid that everyone would lie to me/try to trick me into reading fake news posts. Was March 31, 2015 any different?

Apparently, this Amazon thingamajig is very real, though, even if the promotional video looks so much like an SNL parody I half-expected Keenan Thompson in a bad wig to pop out of the Olay lady's shower. Here's the deal: The Dash Button is a Wi-Fi-enabled plastic controller you link to your phone after you stick it on random surfaces in your house. Then, when you're running low on detergent pods or BB cream or whatever item from the 255 available, you push the button, and it automatically buys more from Amazon.

See? It's like the standing order you can set up for Chanel Rouge Cocos but with a physical component! Except…even worse, because now, in addition to your credit card info and address, Amazon knows exactly what you keep in your house and how quickly you/your family go through it. But what's privacy when you can have never-ending K-Cups? Yippee!

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