Just Say No to the Starbucks Avocado Frappuccino

It’s common knowledge that millennials love avocados—they’re the reason we can’t afford houses, according to this dumb rich guy (opens in new tab)—and the ways to enjoy this beautiful fruit are endless: Guacamole, a club sandwich, in a salad, baked with an egg fried in the middle (opens in new tab). In fact, I believe that when millennials eventually secede and form our own nation, the flag will be an image of avocado toast on a light pink background.

But an avocado frappuccino, like the ‘Avocado Blended’ unveiled in Starbucks across South Korea (opens in new tab), might be a bridge too far. Apparently a version of it debuted a few years ago in the country and this is a revamped version, back by popular demand, so people are apparently down with it, taste-wise. My issue, though, is not one of flavor but one of optics, so a plea to Starbucks executives: Don’t make this a thing stateside.

See, millennials in the U.S. are already having a hard time with our image. Not only are we basically Capitalism Serial Killers (opens in new tab) (much to the chagrin of rich people who thought, like, fabric softener (opens in new tab) would be the textile of the future), but some people still aren’t even sure if we should be doing normal stuff, like running for office (opens in new tab). And if any two items embody the arguments for why millennials shouldn't get to be in charge, they are expensive coffee drinks and avocados. What if a one-two punch like the avocado frappuccino is the equivalent of highlighting in bold all the reasons they say we’re too narcissistic, materialistic and irreligious a generation to deserve the American Dream? It might push these naysayers to incrementally quiet our voices until Only ‘90s Kids Will Remember Basic Human Rights.

Wait, I’m getting word (opens in new tab) that the “pit” on top is made of chocolate. That’s...that’s actually kind of genius. Maybe drinking an avocado frappuccino is the equivalent of telling those naysayers to go suck it (ideally out of a large Starbucks straw)? Maybe, just maybe, Avocado Frappuccinos are the protest symbol we’ve been looking for.

You know what? I changed my mind. I’m into it. Please, Starbucks executives, for the good of our nation’s future, bring the avocado frappuccino to the U.S.