Why I Made Masturbation Part of My Self-Care Routine

It’s my new favorite form of stress release.

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I am not the first wife—and I certainly won’t be the last—to question my husband’s masturbation habit.

But last November, after what seemed like decades of both of us ignoring the proverbial elephant in the room, things finally blew up. During a moment of angst (and, admittedly, lack of confidence), I got angry and loud.

“But why do you do it?” I said in my loudest possible voice. “Why can’t you just wait for me to come home so we can have sex together?”

“It’s not about you,” my husband patiently explained—yet again. “For me, masturbation is stress-relief.”

Well, I’m stressed too. Maybe I should try it.

Those last words gave me pause. It had never truly registered for me before that masturbation doesn’t have to solely be about sex. And during a time in my life when I seemed to be constantly burnt out, anything that would relieve stress sounded appealing.

After nearly three years of full-time freelancing, I was constantly exhausted. My anxiety was rising, despite almost weekly therapy appointments, and I was having a difficult time focusing. I had recently stopped one of the various part-time writing gigs I was managing because the work wasn’t fulfilling. I thought quitting would help, but it barely did.

So when my husband explained that masturbation is less about sex, more about relief, I thought: Well, I’m stressed too. Maybe I should try it.

Coincidentally, in the weeks before this conversation, I’d been doing research on the growing popularity of self-care in an effort to find some ways—in addition to therapy—to calm my constantly worried mind. Deep down, I knew that I needed to take my mental health more seriously, or I would find myself in the same place I had been almost four years earlier: Laid off from my dream gig as a food editor and in rehab for alcoholism.

After losing my job in April 2015 due to too many absences (mostly because I was too hungover—or, worse, blacked out—to come in to work), I spent a couple of months drinking even more, until my mother arrived in New York City to drag me home to Florida and into rehab.

It had never registered before that masturbation doesn’t have to solely be about sex.

Thanks to a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder, I made real strides in taking care of myself with the help of a therapist and by staying sober. But after two years, the scales began to tip in the other direction. I knew that I needed to start taking better care of myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. And not just when I’m in a state of emergency, but consistently—if not just for myself, then also for my husband, our Border Collie, Moose, and our kittens, Jack Sparrow and Daenerys Stormborn.

For anyone who spends any amount of time on social media, you’re probably pretty familiar with the hashtag #SelfCareSunday. And you’re not alone: The act of self-care has been a growing priority for women in recent years. In fact, 72 percent of users of the Shine app (which sends daily motivational texts to “help you run the day”) said that self-care was a top priority for 2018. A survey by Eventbrite showed similar results, with 59 percent of respondents saying that self-care is “very important” to them. Plus, self-care apps like Calm and the meditation-based Headspace have been booming in the past two years, with Apple naming self-care as one of its breakout trends for 2017.

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Yet despite the almost 400,000 #selfcaresunday hashtags on Instagram and the stigma of mental health slowly (and finally!) falling away, self-care can still be difficult for women—and particularly women of color.

“For many minority, disabled, and queer women, we have been sent the message that we are not worthy, wanted, or welcome,” says Bianca I. Laureano, MA, a Certified Sex Educator and co-founder of the Women of Color Sexual Health Network. “To take time to focus on ourselves is a part of a larger piece of self-awareness.”

But the good news is that things may be changing: Americans are becoming more knowledgeable of mental health and illness than previous generations. Data published by MentalHealth.net, an American Addiction Centers resource, shows that 63 percent of 18 to 24-year-olds are “slightly informed” or “very informed,” with 55 percent of 25 to 34-year-olds, 52 percent of 35 to 54-year-olds, and 47 percent of those 55 and older saying the same. All of this progress in the mental health space has led to “greater knowledge and decreased stigma.”

As a Latina, I find that focusing on self-care to better my mental health is particularly difficult. From an early age, I was taught to take care of others. I grew up as (and am still considered to be by much of my family, including my Cuban grandmother), my brother’s second mom. Many weekends were spent cleaning the house, and even well into my teenagehood, my mom never let me pause to go get a pedicure or hang out with friends.

Self-care felt…well, selfish.

Self-care simply didn’t exist in our world. I’m ashamed to admit that taking time to put yourself first never even occurred to me until I was 31 years old, when I started to see the buzz phrase everywhere on social media. And even then, I thought it wasn’t for me. Self-care felt…well, selfish.

And according to De-Andrea Blaylock-Johnson, a sexuality and relationship therapist based in St. Louis, Missouri, I’m not the only one.

“We exist in a world where our humanity is often challenged and we're seen as selfish if we take the time to care for ourselves,” she says. “But self-care is not all bubble baths and massages. Sometimes, it's simply making sure you eat regularly or get enough sleep. It supports our survival in this world.”

It turns out that self-care isn’t selfish at all, but rather, more about how we can be our best selves. As Audre Lorde put it in her book of essays, Burst of Light, "caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.”

Still, recognizing that you need self-care and actually doing it are two different things. For many of us, just seeing all of those picture-perfect self-care images on social media can be stressors themselves. I often wonder: How do people afford some of this stuff? Whenever I get a pedicure—my personal favorite form of self-care—I come out of the nail salon with peace of mind, yes, but also with a $50 bill. So if I tried to indulge in that more often than once a month, my serenity would go right out the window with my wallet.

So all of this brings me to my discovery, courtesy of my enlightened husband, of an intriguing kind of self-care: Masturbation. But before I got carried away with adding the label to what I’d previously considered a simple, solo sexual act, I turned to Dr. Janet Brito, a psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu, Hawaii.

“Masturbation can be a form of stress relief or self-intimacy—an escape from the mundane, or a form of self-soothing,” she says. “It is a perfectly natural and healthy approach to promote emotional regulation, enhance your mood, and be with yourself. After a busy day, masturbation gives you an opportunity to take a break from the pressures of life to reconnect with yourself—to chill, and relax.”

If I was satisfied in my sex life with my husband, why did I need to add solo time?

Although I was increasingly paying attention to self-care when it came to my lifelong physical and mental wellness plan, I was, admittedly, confused why I would need to include masturbation in my routine. If I was satisfied in my sex life with my husband, why did I need to add solo time?

“Many women are deeply afraid of their own pleasure,” says Gracy Obuchowicz, a Washington, DC-based self-care coach. “And that’s most likely because it's so very powerful, which can be overwhelming. But masturbating is a great way to get to know your own desires, both in and out of the bedroom.”

A month after first having that M-word conversation with my husband, I was doing worse than ever. My anxiety was so high that I often spent half the night tossing and turning, and worst of all, I could barely focus on my freelance writing work. One afternoon after an entire day of staring at the computer screen and not doing a single productive thing, I decided it was time to relieve some stress—and a bubble bath wouldn’t do.

Many women are deeply afraid of their own pleasure.

I went back to bed and got under the covers, shooing my dog off of my bed and wiggling out of my leggings. After battling my nerves for about 20 minutes, I pulled out my vibrator—the one I’d had for ages but only occasionally used with my husband. And then, well...I did it. And relieved my stress—twice. I immediately felt lighter, and not long after, I was back at my desk feeling refreshed, able to quickly finish up my big work assignment. And the best part? Unlike pedicures, face masks, or massages, my newly-found zen came with no price tag or planning needed.

Myisha Battle, a sex and dating coach based in San Francisco and host of the sex-positive podcast Down for Whatever, says my new attraction to masturbation makes sense, not only because it feels good, but simply how the body works.

“Masturbation is a great tool for stress reduction because of the release of endorphins that can happen during self-pleasure,” she says. “Because of that, it's also a great sleep aid. Lots of women report really enjoying masturbating before bedtime.”

It's not only a great tool for stress-reduction, but also a good sleep aid.

And the science backs her up: A 2016 study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior aimed to answer the question “Is Sex Good for Your Health?” by examining several reports that showed sexual activity “stimulated the production of endorphins, a natural mood elevator.” They determined that “orgasm triggers the release of oxytocin, which may help to relieve stress.”

After about a month of masturbating more regularly—about 4 to 6 times per week (what can I say? Those endorphins are addicting!), I can honestly say that I feel a lot better. I’ve been getting a better night’s sleep, and because I’m more rested—nine hours most nights, with much less tossing and turning—my productivity has gone up. I find that I’m able to get more done during the day without my anxiety rearing its ugly head and making me unfocused.

Of course, everything isn’t perfect in my life because I’ve suddenly included masturbation into my routine. I still have trouble saying “no” even when I should, and I’ll never be rid of my anxiety disorder without the help of medication and therapy. But what I can say is that it helps me relax, and the regular feeling of release has allowed me to catch up on projects when I’m on the verge of feeling completely fried.

Now, if I’m dealing with overwhelming thoughts, I make sure to add some extra self-care to my weekend plans. Yes, sometimes that includes brunch with my girlfriends or going to the gym with my husband.

But I also sneak in some me-time. This past month has taught me that masturbation doesn’t have to be something I only used to do when I was single—and it doesn’t mean anything bad about my sex life with my husband, either. Instead, it’s a chance to show myself that I love me, too.

And sometimes, I even love myself twice.

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