A few weeks ago, my co-worker suggested I'd get along with her friend Alyssa. Of course, I beelined to Facebook to check her out. She passed my Facebook cuteness test with flying colors.
I met Alyssa out with my co-worker and an all-star cast of friends (those friends who don't make me dissolve into an ignorant bastard) I had assembled: Friend endorsement plus the all-star cast boded well. I got a date with Alyssa — we decided to go to the Yankee game on a weeknight.
The date got off to an odd start. Alyssa said she was tired because she had locked her keys in her apartment the previous night and slept on a friend's couch. She got about three hours of good sleep. She also told me that she had been sick the past two days and was on antibiotics.
She still didn't have her apartment key. She planned to go to a friend's apartment after the game to get a spare key to get into her apartment.
I set a goal to be a great date so that she'd forget how tired she was and that she had to run around the city after the game to get keys. Here was an opportunity to shine.
In the beginning, the conversation flowed, and there was occasional laughter. But things went south the second half of the date.
For the last 45 minutes, she seemed disconnected and uninterested, answering everything with one word: "yeah," "uh-huh," "right," "great."
And she was literally yawning in my face. Even in light of her lack of sleep, I was embarrassed. I hate when I'm totally aware that I suck, that I'm not doing something right, that it's not working — like those agonizing moments of trying to remove a bra...it's all like a bad American Idol tryout.
I felt like a floundering comedian. I attempted to tell one of the most embarrassing things about me, trying to get her to laugh and wake up: "You know, my buddy and I made up a pretty amazing choreographed dance in college, but we closed our bedroom door during rehearsals so our roommates didn't catch us."
But, no laughter. She was either spent from not getting enough sleep or completely bored by me.
Dying isn't so bad, but knowing you're going to die before you die is awful. The last 45 minutes were those final minutes the doctors told me I had to live, waiting for the flat line and accompanying extended beep.
And it was still embarrassing and painful when she announced, in the sixth inning: "I think I'm going to have to leave after you finish your beer" (for those of you who don't know, a full baseball game is nine innings). She implied she was going to leave alone, but there was no way I was going to stay and watch my third least favorite team in all of professional sports (after the Steelers and Duke University) alone. I wolfed down my beer, which had become the ticking barometer for how miserable she was: The longer it took me to finish, the longer she had to stay.
We left on friendly terms, with a hug and a post-date "thanks" text back and forth. After I let her off the train, I hopped off in the West Village and found a little bar with live jazz and an interesting cast of late-night imbibers. Like a prison tradition, I explained how I got there (what I was in for) to my fellow inmates: "I just went on a brutal date. This girl was so bored."
The patrons asked what I planned to do with the rest of my night, and I replied: "Get a few drinks here, and then go home drunk and listen to music and be sad."
They replied: "That's beautiful."
Finally, people who understood me.
I chatted with the patrons, bartender, and jazz band about music. I must have wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't such a boring person by stopping in at the bar.
Maybe it just wasn't a match. I told my co-worker about a reference I made to Buddy Holly influencing the Beatles while at the game, and my co-worker said: "Yeah, Alyssa doesn't know who Buddy Holly is."
Ending up in a bar alone is not how I had planned this night to end, though I didn't expect a serendipitous late-night skip through Central Park after the game either. (Maybe something in between?)
So I'm definitely not going to ask this girl out again. But should I chalk this up to incompatibility or her weariness, or both? Or am I just totally boring to some people. (Don't pick that one, I can't handle that truth!)
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens
Stay In The Know
Marie Claire email subscribers get intel on fashion and beauty trends, hot-off-the-press celebrity news, and more. Sign up here.
Kylie Jenner's Peep-Toe Boots Kick Off the Polarizing Spring Shoe Trend
These boots were made for walkin'—and showing off your pedicure.
By Aaron Royce
Machine Gun Kelly Is No Longer Going By Machine Gun Kelly
The change comes after some fans claimed the name glorified firearms.
By Meghan De Maria
Prince William Accepts Gifts for Kate Middleton As Health Rumors Swirl
William attended two more public events this week, without his wife in sight.
By Meghan De Maria
30 Female-Friendly Porn Websites for Any Mood
All the best websites, right this way.
By Kayleigh Roberts
The 82 Best Cheap Date Ideas for Couples on a Budget
"Love don't cost a thing." —J.Lo
By The Editors
Diary of a Non-Monogamist
Rachel Krantz, author of the new book 'Open,' shares the ups and downs of her journey into the world of open relationships.
By Abigail Pesta
COVID Forced My Polyamorous Marriage to Become Monogamous
For Melanie LaForce, pandemic-induced social distancing guidelines meant she could no longer see men outside of her marriage. But monogamy didn't just change her relationship with her husband—it changed her relationship with herself.
By Melanie LaForce
How the pandemic has mutated our most personal disunions.
By Gretchen Voss
16 At-Home Date Ideas When You're Stuck Indoors
Staying in doesn't have to be boring.
By Katherine J. Igoe
Long Distance Relationship Gift Ideas for Couples Who've Made It This Far
Alexa, play "A Thousand Miles."
By Jaimie Potters
15 Couples on How 2020 Rocked Their Relationship
Couples confessed to Marie Claire how this year's many multi-stressors tested the limits of their love.
By Sherry Amatenstein, LCSW