5 Ways to Have Better Sex

Your long-term relationship just hugged and kissed you.

samantha jones and smith jarrod from sex and the city
(Image credit: Courtesy of HBO)

You're past the honeymoon phase. Way past it. Now you notice it's been a week or three since you've had sex, much less had good sex. What can you do to get back in the swing of things?

Sounds Trivial, but Go on a Date Night
There are so many wonderfully comfortable parts about being in a committed relationship, but the whole "Let's cuddle on the couch in our pajamas and watch television" doesn't necessarily get either of you primed to tear each others' clothes off. Schedule a regular night each week that you two can go out together, just the two of you. One married couple I know has a recurring Surprise Date Night, where each week it's one of their turns to plan out a whole date and the other one is just given a time and place to show up. It can be as simple as a new wine bar in the neighborhood or as complex as rock-climbing, but it brings back the spark for them. Simple surprises (including gifts for no reason) go a long way.

Go Away Together
Shift the environment you're having sex in and the sex will shift. Plus, hotel sex may very well be the best type of sex. It's not your home and, as a result, things tend to get a bit uninhibited. Plan a time to go away together for a weekend. No work allowed, just the two of you hanging out with no set agenda. If you can't afford to get away for a few days, rent a hotel room and plan a staycation. In addition to a giant bed that's not your bed, you also have a fresh shower, maybe a balcony...you see where I'm going with this. Lots of opportunities to try something new.

Introduce a Toy
The "toy" in this case can be anything. It can be grabbing an old tie and using it as a blindfold and/or makeshift handcuffs. It can be grabbing ice from the freezer and teasing your partner with it while they can't see. It can be lighting an aromatherapy candle and dripping the wax-turned-massage-oil on your partner. It could be watching a pornographic video together. Or it can be an actual toy, such as a vibrator. If you use a toy of any sort debrief afterward. Were there things your partner liked or didn't like? Often, that element of "new" adds a bit of excitement; don't be surprised if your partner likes it enough to ask for it be worked into your regular sexual repertoire.

Talk About It
Communication is key. Specifically it's worth creating a safe environment within which you can communicate about what you like in bed and what might be holding either of you back from having sex more regularly. There may be easy fixes in terms of scheduling or activity that you never realized existed.

Also, talk about your fantasies. Be clear that just because you may have a fantasy, like being with more than one person at a time, does not necessarily mean you want to live that out. Once you both are clear that fantasies are just that—fantasies—it's easy to talk about without anyone getting too defensive. One friend of mine even sexts her fantasies over to her husband to get him in the mood when she's not even there.

Try Those Fantasies Out
As you explore your fantasies with your partner there may be some that you both find fun and want to try out. Do it! Outfits are often a great way to get in the mood; a sexy nurse or flight attendant costume is often worth the investment. Or maybe you have a James Bond thing and him putting on that tux sitting in the closet will get you going. Your fantasies may extend beyond your home. An easy and sexy role play is showing up at a hotel bar fifteen minutes before your partner. It's then his job to pretend to meet you, seduce you, and get you upstairs. Flirting in this way keeps you sharp, and makes things fresh like when you first started dating.

These five tips inject something seemingly new to your relationship, but the most important one is keeping the lines of communication open. The more you can talk about your sex life, the better it's going to be.


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Photo Credit: HBO