1. You believe nothing should exist — and no one should speak, most certainly not to you — before the hour of 10 a.m. WHY DO SOUNDS MAKE SOUND AND WHY DOES LIGHT SHINE BEFORE THIS TIME. WHY.
2. You think — nay, KNOW — that people who get up early to go to the gym are sick. SICK, I TELL YOU.
3. Ditto people who schedule meetings in the 8 o'clock hour. They are on drugs, right? They have to be. No one should ask you to show up anywhere this early unless they are planning on stuffing hundred dollar cash money bills in your pockets as soon as you arrive at the appointed ungodly hour.
4. You can't go to bed before 11:30 p.m. at the earliest. No matter how hard you try to "go to bed early," you just end up watching TV or reading The Goldfinch or looking at your eight online shopping apps as you lay there, feeling not tired.
5. If you must see the sun rise, you'd much rather do it at the very END of your day. Like when you're rolling home from da club after a night out. Or if it's, like, a Tuesday, after you stayed up all night to finish a project for work or school. Because you are one with the owls.
6. You do not function without coffee.
7. If you DO have to go to a very early meeting or graduation (ew, ew, graduations), you make sure you know whether or not coffee will be present when you arrive. If you need the gears that make your brain run to spin, you must grease them with caffeine. Otherwise you can enjoy being in the presence of the shell of me.
8. You spend almost as much time snoozing as you do sleeping. Snoozing is a warm-up to opening the eyes for an extended period of time, sitting up, stepping out of the bed, and putting one foot in front of the other. Some people warm up to work out, you have to warm up to waking up.
9. You have blackout curtains in your bedroom. Because bright natural light burns actual holes in your skull.
10. If you live with someone who IS a morning person, you can't deal with even a shred of their cheeriness until you're heavily caffeinated. Even if your man is trying to be adorable and cuddle you in bed as you're seemingly on your last snooze cycle, you're like, BACK OFF GET MY COFFEE.
11. You hate when people want to have brunch before 11:30 a.m. Who are your friends? Sometimes you wonder about them.
12. When you're on vacation, you do not want to get up early to "do stuff." Because vacation is for sleeping in and staying up late! Not getting up early and going to museums. That's what they made you do in fifth grade on field trip day and there's a reason you're not in fifth grade anymore.
13. When you have to get up early to be somewhere, you feel truly sorry for dog owners you see out on the street at 7:30 a.m. picking up their pet's crap. Especially if there's snow on the ground. Early + probably still dark + cold + no coffee + shit in a grocery bag you had to save for this very moment (to carry another being's actual shit) = all the worst things.
14. You do not, will not, refuse to understand doctors' offices that see patients at 7:30 a.m. Or earlier. When your parents tell you they've booked an appointment at such a time, you recoil in horror and wonder about their sanity.
15. If you work in an industry where people roll in at 10 a.m., that's one of your favorite things about it. This is largely why you never pursued your original dream of becoming a radio DJ.
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