So you know the few girls I actually find attractive in this city of nearly 20 million all have boyfriends. (opens in new tab) Well, now it's interesting because one of my newest crushes, a friend of my friend,just broke up with her boyfriend. (opens in new tab) That friend broke the news via a headline on instant messenger.
I've preached that you need to take time (and how much time depends on the length and intensity of that relationship you just ended) before you can think about getting in to something else. (opens in new tab) The one thing I have going for me is that I don't know this girl too well, so there's time for me to get to know her some.
My buddy suggested that I try to hang out with her in groups with our mutual friend. I think I'm going to follow that plan. But, there is a little danger in pursuing someone fresh out of a relationship. Often, people from a recent breakup are not in a good dating frame of mind. (opens in new tab) Here are a few examples of these mindsets:
Done With Men
After a bad relationship, or series of bad relationships, there's a breaking point. One might ignore their love life, and focus on work or travel or something that won't annoy, confuse, or cause pain. This is a tough mindset for me to overcome because, even if I"m a good guy, she's made up her mind that guys suck and she's done. It's just a matter of waiting it out and hoping she decides she wants to let me in her life...at which point I'll most likely make her ask herself why she got back into it again. (opens in new tab)
Need "Me Time"
After a relationship in which you've given up so much of yourself, you crave time to yourself whether you want to start a new career, move to a new town, or grow in some other way. (opens in new tab) Just because someone is working on themselves, doesn't mean they've stopped dating. I just can't expect too much from someone who needs me-time, because they are still keeping a lot of time for themselves versus giving it to me. That's not a bad thing though. (opens in new tab)
Psycho Obsessed (opens in new tab)
The psycho obsessed post-breakup person wants their former significant other back at any cost-- even if that person was a jerk. (opens in new tab) They can't imagine the world without their recent boyfriend/girlfriend. (opens in new tab) They can't move on, (opens in new tab) even if a steady stream of great candidates come in to their lives. It's as if they have blinders on. No one can get a psycho-obsessed person out of that rut but themselves. I've tried to date plenty of girls who only have eyes for their ex, and never won out. It's frustrating.
Playing The Field
Naturally, someone just out of a relationship is bound to date casually and meet lots of people. This bodes well for me if I understand that I might not be the only guy she's dating. (opens in new tab) It's tough to deal with this, but if you're the best person you can be, you separate yourself from the others and eventually casual dating blooms into a relationship.
A breakup is a form of loss of control in life.After traumatic events like this, a person might attempt to gain control over whatever they can. (opens in new tab) And this means keeping potential relationships at arm's length (opens in new tab), without letting it go too far. All I can do is wait, and hope the person stops trying to control the inevitable if the relationship's natural course is getting more intense.
Some of the mindsets above are impossible to change, no matter who I am. Those changes should happen within that person. Most of these situations require perfect timing (opens in new tab): even though she recently broke up, this girl needs to give what I expect and vice versa. If we are off balance, it won't work.
It's funny because I wait and hope for this cute girl to break up with her boyfriend (opens in new tab)and, when she does I want to dive right in and go on some dates. But, like my friend told me, slow and steady is the only way for me to win this race. Problem is, I'm so bad at slow and steady!
What kinds of post-breakup mindsets have you seen? What tactics have you used for guys that just broke up? Do you agree with the above mindsets? What mindsets do you commonly have after a breakup? Whats your advice for me with this girl, do you agree with my friend's advice?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens (opens in new tab)
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