Luckily, most of my friends don't form annoying unions with women. I feel a bit guilty because I'm a closet romantic (opens in new tab), but some couple behavior is so annoying.
Maybe as a single guy, I'm feeling bitterness outside the couple circle (opens in new tab). Maybe if I wasn't so jaded, I'd think all this stuff was nice.
But, then again, some couples seem so brainwashed. They think alike and become a federation, like people who've just joined a cult with that weird "I've now figured life out and I'm completely happy" smile on their face.
Here is a list of things that couples do that is annoying:
Morph into One Person
My friend Gail claimed she was a Redskins fan when we first met. Then she started dating my buddy (a Ravens fan — like me) (opens in new tab).
I'm sorry, DC, but us Baltimoreans don't like your teams.
Your fans are wine and cheese, and we are blue collar (opens in new tab). Other than the Steelers, you Redskins are the scourge of the earth.
But, lo and behold, after a few months of dating my friend, this Redskins fan became a Ravens fan — emotional about the Ravens just like us.
Nevermind that she was not in Baltimore when we didn't have a football team, and never saw the Mayflower trucks move the Colts to Indianapolis. Nevermind she wasn't there in 1996 when our offense was awesome but our defense was terrible. Nevermind that she hasn't been through the awful, shameful experience that it is to be a Baltimore sports fan.
Oh, we'll just let her walk in and be a Ravens fan, with all the benefits and no experience in the pain and trauma that the rest of us have been through.
I'm not even bitter as a single guy (opens in new tab) — I'm bitter as a Ravens fan. Of course, people will change, and that's good. But why not just keep your team and have a friendly/fun rivalry? OK, I have to stop talking about it. I'm getting annoyed.
Become a Package Deal
Soup is my favorite food (opens in new tab). Restaurants always think that I want bread with soup. So they don't ask if I want only soup, and even when I request only soup, the bread shows up anyway. Some couples annoyingly become soup and bread.
The classic example is on the Evite: "Mike and I will be there!" Can't people just reply for themselves? And if one person does happen to venture out from the mothership of the union, they tend to act lost without the other one there.
Touch Each Other in Front of Me
Walk Really, Really, Really Slowly on the Sidewalk
Maybes it's a NYC thing, but when I'm walking, I'm trying to get from point A to point B as fast as possible. Why do couples walk so slow together?
Perhaps they are "smelling the roses," (opens in new tab) lost in their own little world of felicity. But they don't realize there are angry (single) people trying to get around them. And they also don't realize (at least in NYC) that they are smelling garbage lining the sidewalks, not roses (unless they are on the wealthy Upper West Side) (opens in new tab).
Function as Corporation
We used to check with our parents to confirm we were allowed to hang out with our friends — and that ended around age 18. But somehow, when my buddies start dating I get: "Let me check with my girlfriend to make sure I can do X, Y, Z with you." (opens in new tab) Really, you need approval from the suits on the top floor?
Try to Make More Couples
Most couples are happy, but they live vicariously through their single friends (opens in new tab). Also, they think there is something wrong with people if they are single too long (not in the cult) (opens in new tab). So, they take it upon themselves to make everyone else behave like them.
Tell Inside Jokes
It's no fun listening to couples crack inside jokes while we are out. It's similar to visiting their apartment (opens in new tab), only to be subjected to their self-shot vacation-video heart-sinking fun.
Sometimes I feel like Michael J. Fox in Back to the Future, carrying a picture of me and my buddy around; as that buddy gets deeper into his relationship, his image slowly disappears from my picture. Sad. I guess it's tough to balance when you're really into someone, but you can't forget your friends and (more importantly) family.
What couple behavior annoys you the most? Do you agree with mine, or am I just a bit too bitter?
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