Amy Schumer Made an Especially Amy Schumer-Esque Vow to Her New Husband

Honestly, fair enough.

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Amy Schumer surprised everyone by marrying chef Chris Fischer during a private wedding in Malibu on February 13, and apparently their vows were um...something else.

In a SiriusXM interview with her friend Nikki Glaser, the 36-year-old actress spilled some details about her vows, saying, "Mine sucked! I thought mine were good, I wrote mine in like, 20 minutes. I was crying when I wrote them, but his blew me out of the water so hard."

Per Glaser, Amy said: "You make me laugh, you make me smile, you make me feel loved, you make me food.'"

Pretty great, but not as great as what comes next: "In my vows I go, 'But I promise I'll keep going down on you, even though everyone tells me I won't,' And his were like, heckling me too. He was like, 'The other day I lost a tennis match and you called me a f*cking loser.' It was all like, awful shit."

To dust off a stale phrase that is truly applicable at the moment: COUPLE GOALS.

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