A Nutritionist Ranks Your Favorite Drunk Foods

In which we go and ruin everything more.

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When you're comparing nacho-cheese-blasted fried corn triangles to saturated fat bombs wrapped in compressed carbs, 1) there are no winners, and 2) the best you can do is "Well, that wasn't as bad as I thought." Because drunchies are no laughing matter, we consulted Keri Gans, RDN and author of The Small Change Diet to shake the scales from our eyes re: dollar pizza slices, which are, coincidentally her personal favorite. Hold on to your artificial flavors—it's not going to be pretty.

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6. Instant Ramen: Might as Well Down Cyanide

Because that way, at least death will come swiftly, rather than over years of pain and gradual immobility—if your apartment doesn't catch fire via singed noodles first. (This is not a convenience food for the intoxicated, seriously.) Still, "the only thing this has going for it is the calorie count. The sodium is beyond," Gans says. Meaning this will not help your hangover—or your subsequent crypt-keeper skin—one bit. 

5. Burrito: Is It Even Worth It?

So good, so economical (extra tortilla to catch the fallout = bonus taco). Yet it's "hard for me to find redeeming qualities," says Gans. That would because one of nature's most perfect foods is packed with sodium and enough saturated fat do a *real* number on your arteries. 

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4. Cheeseburger: "​Hey, We're Getting Iron"

This is like a burrito that hasn't achieved its final form yet, so not quite as damaging as it could be. The upside is that beef = iron, and there aren't so many fatty extras aside from the cheese. 

3. Pizza: It's the Same as a Calcium Chew, Right?

Wrong (obviously), but you are getting some bone support from the mozzarella, and not incurring *that* much of a health penalty with the calorie count (fewer than 300, if you stick to one slice). 

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2. Doritos: Surprisingly Not That Awful

What Doritos have got going for them: relatively low-cal and low-sodium (haha—only in this bracket, amirite?), airy, and pre-portion-controlled unless your local 7-Eleven stocks family-size bags, in which case you are plumb out of luck. 

1. French Fries: Ayyyyyy

"The beauty is that it's surprisingly low in sodium."—actual quote from an actual certified, Grade A nutritionist! This is based on a medium serving, but you could order a small and/or be that jerk who asks for no salt to reap the admittedly meagre benefits. Plus, with the potatoes' potassium—again negligible, but we'll take what we can get—this is practically a Gatorade.  


Deep, Keri Gans-supported closing thoughts on drunchies: It's like "So what?" Eat what you want without going overboard, accept it, and move on. Until next Friday. 

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