April 2024 was, candidly, the worst season of my life. It was the starting point for a series of events that led me to have what can only be described as a mental breakdown. My now-husband’s father passed away after a long battle with his health. I was moving apartments in New York City, which is one of the most stressful experiences you can have. I decided to quit my job. And, to top it all off, I was trying to plan a wedding.
Needless to say, I was under a tremendous amount of stress and just not feeling well. After ignoring signs from my body for weeks, I had the worst panic attack of my life—during my partner’s graduation party, no less. One moment, my sister and I were sneaking off to go pick up catering, the next I was lying on a stretcher, attached to all sorts of machines. The experience left me with what my psychiatrist labeled as panic disorder, alongside a healthy dose of agoraphobic behaviors.
My primary symptoms included trouble breathing, dizzy spells, and a racing heartbeat every day (and night) for weeks after the initial incident. While this obviously affected my day-to-day life, it also deeply affected my sleep. I would find myself waking up mid-panic attack, terrified to go back to sleep in case it happened again. I couldn’t take it anymore.
I started looking into calming, holistic remedies. There was magnesium oil, which I sprayed on the bottom of my feet before going to sleep, and peppermint oil, to help promote deep breathing. There was even an oral herb spray to promote calm from the inside out. All of them did their intended jobs but left me smelling like a witch’s brew, and it felt like a constant reminder that I was doing this because I feared my mind would revolt otherwise. These conflicting herbal scents just reinforced this feeling of fear that there was something wrong with me.
A few of the products I use in my night time routine, including magnesium spray, melatonin spray, and a body mist.
Enter: my fragrance-before-bed ritual. I was craving the little practices that I, as a beauty editor, would do to boost my mood and morale, all of which were completely sidelined as I navigated my new diagnosis. As the weeks went on, I found the act of topping all these products with a fragrance, scented lotion, or body oil that I actually wanted to use was a way to exercise a bit of control in a time where it felt like life was dragging me by my ponytail.
Yes, I’d take my antidepressants and use all the oils and sprays because I had to, but putting on a bit of perfume became the one thing that felt like me. Plus, as a beauty lover to my core, I loved the whimsy that a fragrance could bring into an otherwise mundane routine. It was that little bit of extra self-love that made me feel kind of normal again, before the idea of stepping out of my front door made me hyperventilate and fall into a puddle of tears.
A few of the oils that double as fragrance in my night-time routine.
It’s been over a year since I experienced the Great Panic Attack of 2024, but applying perfume before bed is a ritual that has stuck with me, even as I’ve continued to learn different coping methods for living with panic disorder. The act of sitting on my bed, taking a few deep breaths, and spraying my favorite scents is a practice that takes a minute or less, but leaves me feeling grounded and in my body in a way that I hardly experience otherwise.
It continuously proves to me that my love of beauty and its auxiliaries isn’t just a frivolous hobby—it’s a way for me to continuously learn about myself and my body, which is even more important to me as I grow in my womanhood. It’s a way for me to feel sensual, clear-headed, and calm in a city and society that tries to force me to be the opposite every day. Fragrance has helped me to navigate panic disorder, but it’s ultimately helping me prove to myself that I am my biggest advocate, caretaker, and confidant, and that I have a say in my approach to wellness and mental health care. That sense of autonomy and control? There’s no better way to calm an anxious, panicky mind. And the fragrances that I'm wearing? It's my newfound scent of peace.
