Hello, this is a list of attractive wax figures that cannot move, breathe, or talk. Is it disturbing that they are weirdly attractive? Yes! Should one be ashamed of being weirdly attracted to them? No! It's not society's fault that Madame Tussauds is so good at making lifeless humanoid thirst traps—like this recent rendition of Prince Harry—and if lusting after a waxy Zac Efron is wrong, I don't want to be right. On that note, here are 15 celebrity wax figures that are undeniably hot. WILFS, if you will.
Wow, Michelangelo should probably quit his job (oh wait, he's dead) because this wax figure of Justin Bieber blows the Statue of David OUT OF THE WATER.
The fact that the person who built this went to the trouble of making sure Justin's pants were sagging in the most Bieber-y way is a true testament to the artistry that went into his sculpture.
Honestly, I'm so scared right now. By which I mean terrified by the fact that I find this wax figure of Justin Bieber somewhat attractive. HELP.
Nothing but respect for MY king of the world. Sure, this wax version of Leonardo DiCaprio looks more like a recently drowned-and-resuscitated Jack Dawson than the actor himself, but there's something about those sleepy dead eyes that just gets me.
(Note: This wax figure would be much more historically accurate if he was surrounded by a revolving fleet of way-too-young-for-him wax supermodels.)
Did you have your sexual awakening while watching Zac Efron sing the Wildcats song during High School Musical? Then gaze into his dead waxen eyes with your real human eyes and prepare to fall in love all over again!
If you like your wax Zac Efrons a little more mature and a lot more shirtless, look! His waxen body is here for you to gawk at!
Listen, I'm the first person to admit that waxen R.Patz might come to life and murder us all. He's clearly a man on the brink of some sort of breakdown—just look at his sinister sneer.
Yet, somehow, the sheen of sweat on his waxy body combined with the gentle dusting of chest hair on his "skin" is strangely and disturbingly attractive.
Name one wax president hotter than wax President Barack Obama, I'll wait.
While all wax figures of Prince Harry are created equal, I'm particularly attached to South Pole Prince Harry. Is his waxy body regulating heat poorly, hence all those layers?! Does he have a waxen six pack under there, or is he just some sort of blob with arms? I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
File under: TFW even a wax figure of Rihanna looks hotter than you.
While I appreciate how smoking hot wax Beyoncé is, I am concerned about why Madame Tussauds placed her in the middle of a park next to a flock of innocent geese, who, to be honest, are just trying to go about their goose business and enjoy their goose day without a pop star killing their goose buzz.
Wax Ryan Gosling looks so much like real life Ryan Gosling that I am honestly expecting him to say "hey, girl" any moment now.
If you prefer your wax figures ginger, emo, and holding a guitar that they definitely cannot play due to not being a real person with a pulse/heart/brain, then yay! Here is waxen Ed Sheeran, ready to serenade his way into your heart. Except not, because again, he cannot move, sing, speak, or love you.
To incorrectly quote the words of John Mayer, Nicki Minaj's waxen body is a wonderland.
It's hardly a surprise that Kim Kardashian's wax figure made this list, as she's an absolute smoke show. What is a surprise is that wax Kanye West didn't break into her exhibit to give her a makeover.
This wax figure of Thor is enough to make me go off human beings completely and live the rest of my life as a person who only dates blow-up dolls.