Wine Lessons from The Bachelor: Episode 5

Each week GrapeFriend sums up each episode with what we've learned about wine from Ben's journey to find love.

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So not to make you too jealous, but I had drinks with Ben and his Envolve wine partners last night. They grew up together in Sonoma and are all super fun and down to earth. I'm still confused as to why sweet Ben would need to go on a TV show to find love but hey, to each his own! Danny and Mike, Ben's wine partners, were also thoroughly entertaining (and single). Three guys, six bottles of wine to sample — let's just say it was a good night, and way better than most of the girls' evenings on episode 5 of The Bachelor.

But on the way to the final rose, a bachelor's gotta hurt some feelings and break some hearts. Grapefriend is here to dole out some consolation grapes to those who might need them after last night.

1) For the Blue Team

They didn't win the baseball matchup and they cried about it. We all know there's no crying in baseball, but there's a ton of it on The Bachelor. I'm gonna give them some Prosecco — if you can't get the main prize of Champagne, this Italian sparkler's a great runner-up.

2) For Elyse

This was a tough moment for me to watch. Ben kicked her off without even finishing the rosé sparkling wine he'd just poured out! To grapefriend's double horror, there were also two full glasses of red on the table that they didn't get to either. As Cher Horowitz would say, "That was way harsh." Courtney couldn't have been more wrong with her "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out." Elyse didn't get to drink at all! So I'm gonna award her a damn good bottle of red she never got to have — some Chateau Lafite Bordeaux. It's a Ben favorite, but she should enjoy this all by herself.

3) For Courtney's bathrobe

Courtney's scheming continued as she got him to go skinny-dipping with her at night's end. "I don't know if he's ever skinny-dipped with a model before," she said. "Might be fun." Yeah, I'm sure it probably is. She also showed up at his place with an opened bottle of wine and two glasses. I bow to her machinations — unless it was the bad craft service wine, because he tasted it and made a weird sound after he mouth-aerated it so maybe it sucked and that was a deal breaker. But as Courtney was frolicking in the ocean "enjoying it, digging it," her bathrobe's just left splattered on the beach like Kacie B's lonely heart. I'm gonna give that robe some Grenache rosé, perfect for lounging around on the beach with. Maybe the robe will share some with Kacie B.

4) for Jennifer

She engaged in some not-pretty hiccup crying after getting the boot. Yeesh, take a breath. I'm sure you'll find love in an ABC-less world if you can just control those hiccups. I'm gonna have to give her some Malbec. This grape used to kill it in Bordeaux as one of the main five in the blend, but it was phased out when Cab, Merlot and Cab Franc started dominating. But now it's getting its due in Argentina, so take note - there can always be a silver lining in another place!

Bonus lesson! There were a lot of tears last night. In wine terms, tears are the streaking lines you get running down your glass after you swirl. Many people think they're an indication of the wine's quality but that's totally not true — they're an indication of how much sugar or alcohol is in the wine.

For more wine fun — including the awesome wine rider on Ben's Bachelor contract — check out!

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