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41 Gifts We Don't Want

The gifts that didn't make our wish lists this holiday season.
microphone tongs
Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Pipe-dreaming meets multi-tasking with this ingenious tool: microphone tongs. Now you can indulge in your wildest rock star fantasy while preparing a healthy snack. Besides, the old singing-into-a-hairbrush routine is so '80s teen movie.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Never let the cold weather impede the right to smoke again. Now smokers can pull on these cigarette-enabling winter mittens and suck in as many cancer-causing chemicals as they please in any temperature.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Much like photographing infants decorated with fake leaves in flowerpots, the dog moustache is just plain cruel. But hey, this type of torture only costs $10 — those photos of babies in flowerpots are way pricier.
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A voice recorder shaped like Pope Benedict XVI's head, the Benadictaphone's only redeeming quality is that it comes with a key chain attachment — the kind that's easy to find in the bottom of your purse at 3 a.m. when you've had one or six too many and don't need his judgmental glare.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

How to Avoid Huge Ships, a book dedicated to the ins-and-outs of avoiding huge ships, not big ships, or large-sized ships, but huge ships. It has amazing user reviews on Amazon.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

The ultimate science toy: a shark that flies. How has this not been made into a movie yet?
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

For those who find pet ownership a stressful and angst-ridden exercise, this device eliminates actually having to touch your pet ever again. Now the only thing you’re responsible for is picking up poop. (Okay, the device is fake. It's actually just a prank box, but, really, who wants an empty box for Christmas?!)
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Remember when you dated that frat guy in college and had to bring your own toilet paper to his apartment when you spent the night? He would totally love this candle.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

What better to way to guard against the infestation epidemic than by conditioning your children to recognize these offensive critters by having them cuddle with a giant stuffed bedbug.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

You're at the mall and you totally want to look at your Marie Claire A to Z app, but you brought your clutch instead of your messenger bag! Whoa, calm down, it's cool — you strapped your iPad to your wrist, remember? Close call.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

We get that it’s practical, but come on — no one wants to be associated with a good place to stick a banana.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

If a hipster answers his cell via a retro phone receiver attachment in the forest and there’s no one there to see it, is it still ironic?
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
UROCLUB, $24.95.

For the golfer and flagrant urinator in your life, there's the UroClub, a golf club that's actually a pee receptacle. And as you'll note in the photo, the UroClub comes with a "privacy shield" (loincloth) to protect whatever dignity one has left.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

There's nothing better than an ugly holiday sweater to remind you of what the holidays are all about...except for a fiber-optic holiday sweater. Believe us, you'll be the talk of the party with this on. On the plus side, batteries are included!
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

There's no gift more thoughtful than what basically amounts to a headset and plants your Zack Morris cell phone to your face. And it looks great, too.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

These fetus cookie cutters are good for a laugh, but probably a bad gift idea for your mother-in-law. This isn't what she meant when she said she wanted grandchildren.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
SNUGGIE, $19.95.

Also unacceptable: actual Snuggies, ironically gifted or not.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Want to make your friend feel totally worthless this holiday season? Buy her a bottle of perfume...for her dog.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Lingerie is a safe gift, usually...unless it's this safe underwear. Now you can show that you care with stained briefs that act as a safe for money, valuables, and your questionable sanity.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Installing a stripper pole in your bedroom is so last year. This portable pole, on the other hand, is perfect for the modern go-go girl on the go, no?
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Does your giftee need a break from watching paint dry? Now she can watch butter melt...a little faster this holiday season with help from this butter warmer.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
STEAK BRANDING IRON, $79.95 - $89.95.

When you've run out of things to personalize, the next logical step is obviously a steak brander with your man's initials, right?
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
SPRAY-ON HAIR, $13.95.

Nothing says "I care, but only a little" like a product that helps men with hair loss...by spray-painting hair on their bald spots. Who wouldn't want to run their hands through a thick mane of aerosol?
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
iCARTA, $89.99.

Let's leave bathroom entertainment at bathroom reading, not listening. Singing in the shower is enough...we don't need to go into a duet with John Mayer while on the throne too.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

We love a massage as much as the next girl, but we're not convinced that a rubdown with "soothing, low-pressure air" will really do it for us. And for some reason, we can't get the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles theme song out of our heads. Odd.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

Serial-killer mask? No, it's just Rejuvenique, a mask that's supposed to reduce the appearance of wrinkles with the help of a 9-volt battery strapped to your face. On the plus side, it's recession-friendly, and can double as a hockey mask or Halloween costume.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
iPANTIES, $12.

These "slide to open" (huh?) iPanties prove that putting an i in your product name doesn't make it a good idea.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get

The idea of a zero-calorie holiday dessert is definitely appealing, but if you're bringing this blowup fruitcake to your office holiday party, may we suggest bringing an actual, edible sweet as a backup?
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
ENLIGHTED BRA, $55 to $105.

You're invited to the party in my bra! Disco ball apparently included.
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Gifts We Don't Want to Get
NOTHING, £3.99.

When your significant other insists they don't want anything for the holidays, they probably don't mean that they want you to get them Nothing. But this'll teach them.
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