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1. The woman you're most jealous of is jealous of someone else's body. She may even be jealous of yours! I swear this is a thing. The grass is always greener, even Cara Delevingne is probably like, "I wish I had her eyebrows." I don't know who that would be but I'm sure she does.
2. Someone else would kill to have some aspect of your body. You have huge boobs and you want small boobs. Someone else has small boobs and they wish they had your big boobs. It's kind of sad to think about, right? So screw that and love what you have!
3. No, it's not possible to eat one piece of cake and gain 10 pounds overnight. Eat it. Then don't eat cake tomorrow. Or eat it for three days in row and then eat really well for a week. Similar note: You can't lose 10 pounds overnight. It's not a thing.
4. Everyone thinks their feet look weird. Feet are weird.
5. The size on the tag really doesn't matter. That may vary from brand to brand anyway, but what matters is how it looks on you and how you feel in it. I've stopped caring what the tag size is (let me tell you, it was not easy to do) because it truly just is a number and I'm super hot no matter what it says. Killin' it.
6. Anyone who makes you feel bad about your body (intentionally or not) is a shit. And there is a 100 percent possibility they're actually unhappy with themselves in some way. Happy people don't make other people feel badly. They just don't. Elle Woods's similar quote about husband-murder was good, but mine is true also.
7. Water is a good thing always. Yes, it tastes like liquid rocks but it really makes a huge difference in how you feel. That said, I haven't had any today and am now going to grab some from the kitchen so I am not a hypocrite.
8. When you feel really good, you look really good. I know it seems complicated because you also feel really good when you feel like you look your best, but truly, if you're happy, you look hot as helllll.
9. Trust your body when it tells you it's hungry and then eat something. It's OK to be hungry! You are a person who subsists on food!
10. Some days you're going to be starving and eat like a monster, and some days you won't be as hungry. It all evens out. Don't panic.
11. Just because you're naturally thin doesn't mean you don't need to exercise. Weight loss/maintenance is not the only reason to work out. Getting high off endorphins feels amazing no matter what size you are.
12. Body size does not directly correlate with health. Many fat women are perfectly healthy and many thin women are very unhealthy. Don't judge a book, or yourself, by its/your cover.
13. No one cares about how your body looks as much as you do. You're self-conscious because a guy wants to leave the lights on during sex? It's not because he's looking at your cellulite, I promise.
14. The thing you're most insecure about is probably something no one else even notices. Oh, your calves are slightly larger than you feel they should be? No one has ever had this thought but you. People are not visual calf measurers. But they sure will look for it once you complain about it.
15. If a guy doesn't like your body, it doesn't mean you need to change your body, it means he's not right for you. Agh, I know this one sounds like such bullshit because you like him soooo much and you never feel this way, etc., etc., etc. I hear you. But I promise you, one day you will find someone who thinks all the things you think are "problem areas" are fucking gorgeous and then you will think of me and be like, "Lane told me someone would love all parts of me and make me feel like I'm the most perfect of humans and she was right!" and I'll be like, "I know I was right and I'm so happy you feel so loved!"
16. If a certain type of exercise makes you hate working out, stop doing it. There's definitely a different type that will be more fun, and let's be honest, if you hate it, you're going to drop it eventually. Why not just drop it now?
17. Knowing what good, tired-from-exercising pain feels like versus what bad, I-might-be-injured-from-exercising pain feels like is a vital life skill. Learn the difference so you know when you can push yourself harder and when to stop.
18. Having only a latte for breakfast is garbage and you should not do it. I mean, do it once in a while if you have to, I get it. But overall, eating regularly scheduled good-for-you meals keeps your metabolism up and running and healthy for real. Plus, you won't be such an asshole in the mornings if you eat breakfast.
19. Your vagina is normal. Stop feeling weird about your vagina. Unless it looks like there is a literal pineapple growing out of there, it's normal. Much like Lisa Frank stickers, vaginas come in a wide variety of shapes, sizes, colors, and scents.
20. Oh my god, go the fuck to sleep already. Staying up all night is great, but almost nothing feels better than a really, really good night's sleep. Plus, your skin will look like a damn baby's in the morning because babies love sleep and their skin rules. Also, their skin rules because they are babies but this point is legit.
Via Cosmo (opens in new tab)
Lane Moore is an award-winning comedian, actor, writer, and musician based in New York City. Her first book, How To Be Alone: If You Want To And Even If You Don’t became a #1 bestseller and was praised as one of the best books of the year by The New York Times, New York Magazine, NPR, Good Morning America, Fast Company, Marie Claire, and many others. Moore also gave a TEDx Talk based on the book, called How To Be Alone. Her comedy show “Tinder Live!” is regarded as one of the best comedy shows in New York City and has been praised by The New York Times, Entertainment Tonight, CBS, Time Out New York, and New York Magazine. She has a monthly sold-out residency in NYC, and also tours rock venues and colleges worldwide. As an actor, Moore plays Kelsey on HBO’s Search Party, and has a recurring role on Rooster Teeth’s What Do You Know? and had a memorable role on season 5 of HBO’s Girls. She also frequently appears on Comedy Central, VH1, MTV, truTV, and IFC shows. As a musician, Moore is the front person and songwriter in the band “It Was Romance.” In her time as the the Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan, she won a GLAAD award for her groundbreaking work championing diverse, inclusive coverage. Moore also hosts the live streaming comedy show How To Be Alone on Twitch, which she calls “PeeWee’s Playhouse for lonely adults.”
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