7 Deadly Drunk Sins

My friend from work got a call from her drunk ex-boyfriend telling her what he wanted to "do to her" in graphic detail. Everyone in our office listened to it. Even I (King of Bathroom Humor and Duke of Sexual Harassment) felt offended.

The main symptom that contributes to drunk mistakes is loss of judgment. If you can somehow train yourself to take a deep breath and try to find some rationality somewhere in your drunk mind, you may just be able to avoid these mistakes:

Drunk dialing/texting

At some point in the evening, we think it's OK if we suddenly sabotage someone's voicemail or text inbox. The worst thing about drunk texting is that it's all right there in writing, GUILTY! But voicemails are awful too. My friend from work got a call from her drunk Southern ex-boyfriend who said what he wanted to "do to her" (not with her) in graphic detail. Everyone in our office listened to it. Even I (King of Bathroom Humor and Duke of Sexual Harassment) felt offended. At the end, he was kind enough to explain:

"I'm drunk in Sarasota."

Amazing! What a nice touch to add that he was in Sarasota. I guess this explained his mistake: everyone phone-sex with voice mailboxes when they are in Sarasota.

I am damaging when I'm drunk with a guitar in my hand. If I am pre-gaming in my darkly lit room before meeting friends with my guitar and my iTunes playlist, I get more and more emotional. Then I pick up my guitar and call my friend (I'm lucky-she's designated herself as the sacrificial lamb) and I sing horrific covers tunes. I believe that last one I did was "Somebody's Baby" by Jackson Browne.

I firmly believe there is no cure for drunk dialing. You can only manage it and hope that outbreaks don't occur.

False Hopes

You know how you're drunk and you construct the way your life should be?

"I'm going to start reading, and go out and find myself a great girl."

Sometimes I'll approach a girl in a bar with an atrocious pickup line, but my drunk euphoria tells me it's going to work. "I notice she's looking at me, and I bet I can say anything."

Or you're about to breakup but when you are drunk you tell yourself: "Yes, I really do like this person, I want to make it work." Then you are sober and back in reality and it all sucks.

One-night Stands

I've never had a sober one-night stand. My inhibition goes down the drain, and I am more open to the fling. And every time I wake up afterwards I regret it and feel horrible about myself.

Stunted Judgment

A nice combo-mistake with one-night stands, the first stage is waking up and wondering where you are. "Wait, that's not my ceiling." Then, "Please tell me I'm at a friends or I'm dreaming." Then you realize the person you are next in bed is simply unattractive. Total mistake! And you know you have to tell your friends. It seemed right last night when you were drunk, but as Rod Stewart figuratively sang: "the morning sun, when it's in your face, really shows your age."

Profession of Love

Another irrational behavior-you've been playing it perfectly cool and then you suddenly decide it's a good idea to walk up to that person of your desires and state:

"Oh my god, I've been in love with you for weeks."

Usually doesn't turn out good.

Emotional Breakdown

Once the alcohol turns the tides of my mind into choppy seas, I magnify all of the things that are going wrong in my life. Most of us are guilty of shedding drunk tears. This can happen when you're going to a significant other for support during these breakdowns, or when you are breaking down and doing the next thing on this list...


Why do we decide the most effective time to "work out" our damaged relationship is when we've had some drinks? My worst showing was with my college girlfriend; we had been broken up for a few weeks when disaster struck. We began arguing, drunk, in a bar and when she left with her friends, I followed her home continuing the argument. I followed them up on to their porch, still not realizing this was not a 

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good time to argue. One of her friends gracefully told me I should go home and shut the door. But I was having none of it. I sat on that porch thinking she'd come down but she never did. Eventually I fell asleep right on the porch and didn't walk home until daylight. A word of advice: never use a stack of Yellowpages as a pillow.

What are the worst drunk mistakes you make? Do you have any repeat errors? What would you add to this list?