Like any painful experience, the Urology ordeal taught me about myself and I was even "prescribed" something. Here is what I learned:
Oh, The Person I Could Be
The awkward moments started immediately after my appointments were set. It started with my father warning me:
"No ejaculation for 3-5 days before your appointment."
First of all, I haven't talked sex with my parents since that defining moment I realized that Robert Plant was actually mimicking an orgasm during Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" while it played in the car the summer before 8th grade. Innocence was out the window from that point onward.
Having my father dictate my ejaculation schedule was bad enough, but did he know how tall an order that was? No masturbating for three days? That's like the dentist telling you "no eating" for a couple of hours after fluoride treatment: impossible.
But quitting masturbation for a week made me a productive member of society.: I cleaned my apartment, I wrote music, I read (actual books-real ones like Melville & Sylvia Plath), I called my parents just to say "hi".
Every night I made plans; if I was idle at home, I'd lie on my bed like a recovering drug addict going cold turkey: sweating in the fetal position longing to masturbate. That week was amazing-I met so many great people, and shared great times. I was truly on the go. I surmised that I might be addicted to masturbation because it hinders me from being productive.
How Do We Get Here?
Along with the actual count of my sperm, the Urologist told me: "...and 50% of your sperm are motile and 10% are normally formed."
I asked: "that's pretty bad right?'
But it turns out that 50% moving is normal and between 2-14% of correctly formed sperm is normal. Who knew? It dawned on me that, with my personality, I must have been a non-moving malformed sperm that happened to get caught up in the right current and fell backwards into my mother's egg.
I wondered how much better my life would be had one of those motile, good-looking sperms made it to the egg. It was a moment of true reflection: how the hell did I get here, with the deck so stacked against me during conception? And, I realized that my own body has a few mysteries to me, just like the female body does.
I Need Help
At the Urologist, I was told to fill out this ghastly questionnaire about "erection confidence & sexual enjoyment". After tallying up my answer scores I looked at the "answer key" and it basically told me:
I pushed the sheet away, like a young child would do to a plate after finishing dinner, never wanting to see it again. Then the Urologist followed up with this awful "are you enjoying sex" conversation. I told the doctor I feared STDs, worried that I would lose erections during sex, that my mind wandered during sex, and I rarely enjoyed sex.
"Do you wake up with erections," he asked.
"Yes, and that makes me feel a little bit more confident."
"Good, it should."
The one time I felt comfortable during this conversation was when I brought the doctor and Resident down to my level of sophomoric humor:
"I guess I just worry about all the issues that could (no pun intended) arise?"
We exchanged laughter and the doctor said: "Oh, you can use puns here."
OK, so (as we call the morning erection phenomenon) "morning wood" is a good thing-maybe an affirming thing. Guys have long debated why we wake up in the morning with erections, making morning urination an adventure. But none of us ever realized that it could be our penis testing itself and telling us: "yup, everything is working correctly down here, Captain."
Despite my consistent morning wood, I told the doctor that anxiety persisted during sex, so he prescribed a Sex Therapist. Then he asked another question that got me into a mental debate with myself:
"Would you like to see a woman or a man?"
Geeze. A guy would probably understand me better, but a woman would be more nurturing and might be totally hot (like the movies)! But a woman might think I'm a total pervert when she digs deep into the dark corners of my mind. I opted for a woman. And I will be seeing her soon.
Do you think it's possible to be addicted to masturbation? Also, has anyone ever seen a Sex Therapist? I'm hoping she can help, but I'm a little nervous, so any insight would be appreciated. Did you ever learn you don't know everything about your body from a doc visit like this?
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