Gown you'll never wear again: $349

Metallic strappy sandals you will wear again: $59

Arsenal of Spanx control-top under- garments: $80

Alterations: $50

Round-trip flight to scenic Des Moines: $349

Three nights' hotel stay at Holiday Inn: $168

Gifts (shower, bachelorette, and wedding): $260

Penis tiaras for bachelorette party: $14

Replenishing minibar after you binge on self-hate cookies and Fritos: $35

Manicure and pedicure in Essie's Bachelorette Bash Pink: $60

Aqua Net and sprig of baby's breath for your hair: $1.97

Counseling for psychological damage done by groom's dad hitting on you: $250

Photo of you in an orange organza gown? : Priceless

What Do You Think?