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My Apartment Has A Lot Of Turnoffs (Part 1)

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My Apartment Has A Lot Of Turnoffs (Part 1)

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The cock block is a male slang term for anything that hinders a guy’s chance of getting with a girl.  Now, as you’ve seen so far I’m pretty much a walking cock block.  I say and do stupid things, sometimes I get too drunk and out of control or goofy.  Often, I get hungry late at night instead of amorous and I end up walking home after soup and something deep fried, alone, as the sun comes up.

 

Even a person’s diet can be a cock block.  Every family recipe I have requires fresh chopped garlic.  I think garlic, raw too, is glorious.  I’ll put it with tomatoes and basil, raw, or cook it with anything else.  But sometimes if I eat too much it will literally seep from my pores.  Also, like that bloody spot in Macbeth, garlic has a way of hanging around on your hands even if you wash them ten times in a day (and we all know what it does to our breath).  I must monitor my garlic intake and time it correctly.

 

The other day I was cleaning my bedroom and realized:  my bedroom and entire apartment is a collection of cock blocks—they are scattered throughout my apartment like a mine-field.  I decided to list the most apparent cock block features of my apartment and see what you thought was the worst, and also get a look at what sorts of horrible things have put you out of the mood once you’ve gotten to a guy’s place.

 

Dirty Dishes In My Tiny Sink

 

I’m not a dirty guy, but my sink is pretty small.  So, if I don’t do the dishes for a few days (I actually find washing dishes to be therapeutic), the dishes will over flow and will go across the counter and onto the stove.  Couple this with the strange ingredients of our family recipes—my favorite things to cook:  ground beef rice soup, jambalaya, and garlic stuff!  .  I usually rinse things in a pinch but sometimes the lingering odor from my cooking session remains a day or two.  The worst is this cumbersome stove-top grill that is one of those types of dishes you just want to put off a few days before washing.  After grilling, there is always stuff stuck to it and I just pour soapy water on it and let it soak on the stove.  If a girl saw this she’d think it was the bottom of a rotisserie chicken oven.  This is the first obstacle we have to get past on the way in to my apartment since the sink area is visible as soon as you walk in.

 

My Intimidating Roommate

 

A lot of people think it’s cute that I live with my sister.  However, if I’m with a younger girl she may find the prospect of my sister knowing she came back home with me intimidating.  Luckily she is often at her boyfriend’s house and I don’t even have to bring up my “roommate”.  My sister and I went through two years of high school together and we hooked up with each other’s friends often, so we are totally comfortable with whatever goes on—though, sometimes it’s hard for people to believe how easy going our relationship is.  But maybe it’s good because there is “girl stuff” at my apartment in a pinch for a female visitor? 

 

Seasonal Décor

 

  • My mom can’t come to grips with the fact that there is no room in an NYC apartment for anything.  Therefore, she sends us seasonal décor: 
  • Xmas tea towels (it would break her heart to know that I use these tea towels in the middle of July)
  • Chocolate bunnies for Easter—I feel too guilty to throw them away so I have chocolate bunnies from 2006 and beyond floating around my room
  • Autumn stuff—Autumn is my favorite season but my mom once sent the most frightening little scarecrow to hang on my front door.  I hung it up and (boy garlic is really coming up a lot here), it was literally like a garlic cross for vampires...it warded of any female who came near it.

 

 

So, with the hodge-podge of seasons crashing into one another in my apartment, it simply looks like I’m confused and I have no flare for design...or at least I have no chance of faking that flare.

 

Scarecrow

 

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