Wine Lessons from The Bachelor: Episode 3

Each week GrapeFriend sums up each episode with what we've learned about wine from Ben's journey to find love.

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It's obvious that The Bachelor can teach us what not to do while dating someone. Well, at least someone who's dating multiple women who may or may not be crazy and who you also happen to be living with. But with Ben being a winemaker, this season's giving us lessons we can actually use!

Lesson #1: You do not get wine on top of bridges.

Freaking TERRIFYING date. Yeah, we heard all the crap about how "If we can conquer this, we can do anything" — please. In real life, usually the scariest thing you do as a couple is tackle IKEA on a Saturday. But you climb on and finally make it to the top and the winemaker doesn't even have some champagne waiting to pop?

However, you apparently do get wine after you climb a bridge. OK, now I'm in! They didn't say what kind of wine they were drinking at dinner, but after defying death you'd have to try something daring like a smoky, chocolatey Aglianico or a crisp, almondy Romorantin from the Loire Valley

Lesson #2 When a wine's made from only one kind of grape it's called a single varietal.

You're allowed to make wine with only one kind of grape (as opposed to a blend) — like Chardonnay, Cabernet etc. But in real life, getting it on with someone in your family is called incest. Emily tells Ben that she did online dating and was matched with her older brother. Now I can see that she may have been excited to have some wine after risking her life on the bridge, but no one should ever drink enough to admit something like that. My brain is still trying to reboot to yesterday morning when it was innocent.

Lesson #3 Dating on this show can drive you to drink.

If Ben weren't already a winemaker, talking to these girls might make him be. Here are a few choice lines that probably made Ben want to down a spitbucket of Cabernet, Sideways-style. (Not that we condone excessive or spitbucket drinking — we simply condone never going on this show):

1) "Babe, welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."

2) "We'd make cute babies."

3) "I saw you talking to what's-her-butt."

4) "On a scale from 1 to 10, I feel like I'm gonna throw up."

5) "Guess where my tattoo is."

Bonus Lesson that has nothing to do with wine

Someone tweeted: "Watching The Bachelor with my cat." Girls, do not do this.

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