Everybody suspects Bey and Jay of belonging to a secret society, but the real Illuminati have been right under our noses this whole time. (It's always the perky wholesome ones, isn't it?) Taylor Swift and her merry band of famous girls are like the Freemasons with a much higher collective net worth, or like Skull and Bones sans the stealing (hearts don't count), or like Opus Dei minus the self-flagellation because Mary Katrantzou leotards don't go with leg spikes. None of us will probably ever receive an invitation, but we're prepping anyway with this fictional fact sheet, covering everything from the rituals to the organizational structure. Because if there's one thing Grand Master Tay-Tay has taught us, it's that dreams do come true.
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The Secret Greeting
If you should ever come across a member of the TSFGI in the wild, do not—we repeat, do not—make a hand-heart. No civilian can match the Grand Master's enthusiasm, so this action will instantly expose you as a poseur.
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The Not-So-Secret Greeting
Should you feel the need to do something with your appendages, the only acceptable option is the "look how cute I am" under-chin move, demonstrated here by auxiliary member Sarah Hyland. (The TSFGI haven't been able to lock this one down. Yet.)
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The Ceremonial Dress
On ceremony days, the TSFGI wear complementary jewel tones.
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While Gwyneth Paltrow certainly fulfilled the requirements for celebrity and hair-shiniess, she did not meet the age cut-off of 35. Her rejection letter was accompanied by two dozen homemade toasted-coconut cookies and a signed copy of 1989.
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No member—not even high-ranking officials like president pro tempore Selena Gomez—shall walk in front of the Grand Master. She may, however, clutch her arm to signify her friendship and emotional reliance on the Grand Master whenever her on-again, off-again boyfriend does something embarrassing.
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The Company Trip
Every time the Grand Master sells one million albums, she and a chosen TSFGI sister take a trip during which they commune with nature. Besides this photo, no record of how exactly they commune with nature has survived.
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The TSFGI are committed to promoting a healthy lifestyle among members, which is why the Grand Master implemented walking meetings. Since early 2014, the TSFGI have worn out seven pedometers and circled the earth five times.
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Here, Taylor Swift and sergeant-at-arms Lena Dunham have just walked the length of three football fields—in one afternoon.
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Plotting their enemies' expulsion from the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show can also be done outside.
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The Grand Master does not eat her $17 pumpkin waffles at weekend brunch—another TSFGI ritual—until a trusted sister has taken a bite from each piece and not keeled over.
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She doesn't drink orange juice either—not until secretary Lorde takes a sip.
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Ah, the grooming ritual, the most treasured of all the TSFGI's procedures. Before the Application of the Lipstick, shown here, Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss completed the Arranging of the Hair and Contouring of the Cheekbones.
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Open your eyes, people! Now they're just laughing at us. The symbolism in this Instagram is overwhelming: A Grand Master and her social chair reenact the portrait of another secret society's first president. Does this mean that, like the Society of the Cincinnati, membership in the TSFGI is hereditary? If so, Dixie Pearl Followill has got it made.
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