1. You take showers together without having sex.
The magic of warm water and suds is wasted on you two. (Or you've just come to realize what all adults must one day learn: Shower sex is the worst.)
2. You use the bathroom at the same time.
In a multitude of different combinations involving the shower, sink, and toilet.
3. You do laundry checks.
You sniff each other's underwear and it's not a sex thing; it's a cleanliness thing. You know your partner's smells so well that putting your nose to the armpit of their favorite hoodie and taking a big whiff (or a light sniff) is not really that gross. (Except for the few times when it's very, very gross; like, "how does a human even make this smell?!" gross.)
4. You sing to your pets.
My fiancé and I have about 10,000 different songs for our dogs; my favorite is simply called "It's doggie dinner time" and just involves us sing-screaming "It's doggie dinner time!" over and over again until our pups absolutely lose it. It's the best.
5. You inspect each other's weird hairs and moles and other bodily growths.
If you've ever checked your partner's butt for hemorrhoids, you might be in a LTR. (You also might need some space and your partner should probably go to an actual doctor.) I like to do what I call "inspection" on my man's face, where I get to tweezer overgrown beard hairs. It is the highlight of my life and I once met Oprah, so you know I've had a good life.
6. You've tried on each other's clothes.
Although my giant/luscious hips can't fit into my man's jeans, he has gotten drunk and put on one of my bras and ran around the house yelling, "I'm Laura! I have boobs! HAHAHAHA/*puke*." Don't worry, I got it all on tape.
7. You text each other from opposite sides of the room.
I have literally texted my fiancé from the other side of the couch to go get me pizza. (And by "literally," I mean "literally all the time.")
8. You perform tickle torture.
I don't know how or why but tickle torture is something all couples do. It has been around since time immemorial, and is both the best and the worst.
9. You give each other the weirdest nicknames.
"BooBoo Honey Face," "Boner Pants," "Shmoopadoop," "Juicy Top," and "Pepper Jelly." These are just a handful of the magical nicknames we call each other in private.
10. You talk in shorthand.
You're basically like twins with a secret language but even weirder because you're not related.
11. Farting and burping. All. The. Time.
We're human and it happens. My man and I had to put the kibosh on the farting free-for-all when it became sincerely repulsive. May you never get there with your loved one. This isn't the set of The Klumps; have some decency.
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