Recently, my friend found out his fiancé was a full-on lesbian (not bi, I mean lesbian), for three years. I guess it didn't destroy the upcoming nuptials — they got married as planned.
It's a scary question to ask, but do you ever really know someone? Most of us agree that you can't tell your significant other everything about your past, unless you're that person with a record so perfect you could run for president (even presidents don't have the cleanest records).
Hidden in the personal past is the skeleton in the closet, prone to accidental discovery. It opens the can of worms: If they were hiding that from you, what else were they hiding?
The two most common sources that reveal a skeleton from the closet are mutual friends and their personal computer.
Below is a list of "skeletons in the closet" that people might hide from their significant other. Would any of these force you to reconsider the relationship if you found them out?
Personally, I'd kind of like it if my fiancée had been bi/lesbian because I might be able to work that elusive threesome. I would, however, wonder if I could satisfy my girlfriend as well as a woman satisfied her. And there's more to consider if your significant other had serious same-sex relationships, beyond just experimenting.
Drug Addiction or Experimentation
People who recover from drug or alcohol dependency are remarkably strong. One of my most successful friends beat heroin dependency. Unfortunately, some people just can't overcome drug addiction, and it plants that seed of doubt that a person could fall into dependency again.
Some of us are OK with experimentation, but not addiction. And some of us have levels — cocaine and above (I'm OK with people trying natural hallucinogens)— that would make us think twice about staying in the relationship.
Pregnancy, Child, Abortion
Women have the right to keep a past pregnancy and/or abortion private. At the same time, I'd feel deceived if I didn't know anything about it. Don't spring your child on a guy on the first date, but introduce him at some point.
Crazy Sex Life
A friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend when he found out she once was "double teamed" by a couple of guys. I would be a bit intimidated if I found out my serious girlfriend had a wild sexual past. Sexuality is shared between two people, so I think couples should be forthright about their sexual past.
I wonder how a woman would feel if she found out that her significant other had been with a prostitute before. I'm thinking it wouldn't go over well.
Many of us have that "promiscuous phase" in life. How many people lie about their "number"? If I tell a girl who's had sex with 25 men that I've had sex with 10 women, would she be honest when she told me her number? I'd think twice about dating if a woman had a much higher number than me.
Past Psychological Issues
Does another other person have the right to know about all my shrink time? I am pretty honest about my psychological issues (expecting the worst and torturing myself with crisis thinking) because it helps a woman understand me better...even though it scares most away.
Suppose, one day, he forgets to "clear history" on the computer and you accidentally stumble upon his foot fetish site, or you click into the wrong folder on the computer and find pictures of him dressed as a baby. I'm sure a discussion would be in order.
I wouldn't break up with a girl because of a past divorce, but I would break up if she didn't tell me about that divorce the entire time we were dating, once I found out about it.
Relationships are all about risk. One such risk is hiding certain things that might cause issues in the relationship if they were ever discovered. The safest route is a well-timed "confession" to get it all out there. In other words, hide it at your own risk.
There's a difference between someone loving you for who you are and who they think you are. But, in your past, you could have been a much different person than you turned out to be — and those "skeletons" may have developed you into a better person.
Is it fair to judge people on what they did in their past before you knew them? Do you hide anything from significant others, and would you reconsider if you heard a bombshell from your significant other deep into the relationship? How would you react if you found out skeletons like the list above, and what would you add to the list?
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