Every time I try to make a New Year's resolution, it has to do with becoming more of a stud. My goal is to catch and bottle some Colin Farrell, George Clooney, and Led Zeppelin behaviors. This is what's going to be the main ingredient in The New Rich. Suddenly I'll be able to do the Han Solo, as he's dying in Empire Strikes Back:
Princess Leia: "I love you."
Han Solo: "I know."
Okay, so I don't have confidence, but I'm ready to make those adjustments now. This is where 2008, The New Rich comes in. He is the ultimate product. 2007 Rich (old me) has way too many kinks and bugs in it. This time I've got it right.
When I created 2007 Rich, I thought I could just change my lame ways overnight. This time, I'm going to take 2008 Rich on a test drive first so that he can be rolled off the assembly line ready for action. Yes, as with any fancy new product, we want to rip them off the charger early. But, we can't do so. The 2008 Rich will be released into the dating world — fully charged — in January for prime exposure to carefree women. Watch out, ladies....
Here are the adjustments 2008 Rich will exhibit after beta testing is over:
1. Approach girls in bars recklessly: I'm told that most guys are successful one out of 10 times. So, my old style of going for one girl every three months and trying and trying to no avail is out the window. I should be going for three girls in one night ... or five.
2. Don't worry about what they think: I'm just going to go in there and talk and talk and give them whatever I have. Old Rich used to worry about outfits and hair, but New Rich is comfortable looking like he isn't trying too hard, perhaps forgetting the occasional shower, but knows that deep down he has his own uncanny flair for fashion.
3. Assume they like me: Old Rich used to say: "Oh, you won't call me. They never call." Now I'm just going to get the number and go.
4. Don't think about whether to text, e-mail, call, MySpace, IM: New Rich will do what comes naturally. He won't worry about what the best mode of communication is. He is programmed to contact the girl when he feels like it, and do it in the easiest way. He will do spontaneous calls: "Me and my friends are out RIGHT NOW. Come on out...."
5. Don't obsess: New Rich realizes it's THEIR mistake when it doesn't work out. And good thing. He had other ladies waiting anyway.
6. Don't be accessible: New Rich will have too much going on, and he'll be hard to pin down. When a girl gets to be with him, she'll feel special.
7. Choose sex over food: Old Rich always gave in to his stomach. Around 3 a.m. it was always time to hit the diner. Didn't matter if a girl wanted to hang out later; food was king. They say a guy's brain is in his pants — well, mine is just above my belt line.
2008 Rich is nearing completion. I am on the charger, and the test drive has started. Any advice you Marie Claire readers may have for me is welcome (see that COMMENT button below? Click it!), because I cannot afford to have another factory recall like 2007 Rich did.
A newer, more spontaneous, mysteriously distant and inaccessible, mind-of-his-own, yet friendly and cute ME is coming to a store near you. Lines for 2008 Rich will be longer than at the Apple store, so you better get moving, ladies.