The Most Annoying Things Engaged Couples Do
'Tis the season for Facebook engagements! Yay! Yay?
By Anna Breslaw
No, you are not crazy. A metric buttload of people got engaged on Facebook (and in real life, but we all know that counts for less) between Thanksgiving and New Years. The Atlantic pins the sociological trend on what they're calling "the Love Actually postulate," which hypothesizes that the twinkly lights and general loveliness of the winter season prompts more people to take the plunge. Obviously these people are not trapped in the disgusting piss-and-shit snowglobe that is New York in winter, which is about as romantic as shower time at the Manhattan Detention Complex.
Amidst the sea of engagements you might notice that certain elements of social decency have been left by the wayside. So here’s a helpful primer to send around to any of your friends who got Facebook-engaged and almost immediately, tenderly, slid their heads up their own butts.
1. They forget that the Earth does, in fact, continue to spin for single people. It’s spinning... wait for it... right now. Sometimes when a girl just got engaged, the only kind of good news she hears from friends are other engagements. Or weddings, or babies. Anything else (a rent-controlled place! A fantastic job or a raise! A book deal! Getting a dog and being pretty sure you will be a responsible dog owner!) just elicits a half-hearted, "Oh, that’s good."
2. They shoot their load on heartfelt declarations of love — as Facebook status updates. Which might be unwise, not to mention kind of weird. Unfortunately, due to the nature of Facebook feeds, your lovely just-engaged sonnet (“My new fiancée Rebecca Greeble is my love, my life, my North Star, my Alpha and my Omega, and my Mentos-fresh-breathed, mermaid-haired reason for living”) will look kind of out of place sandwiched between some guy from high school’s status update about how good Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supremes are and a former co-worker’s sloppy-drunk Instagrams. Also, don’t you need to say that shit at the actual wedding? Is there any more you can possibly say about this person? Because you just wrote like five paragraphs about how her hair smells like apricots and possibility.
3. They Instagram their ring, hence inviting the scrutiny of every single woman they are Facebook friends with. First of all, just the fact that you’re posting it will inevitably be a point of ridicule (probably from women who will end up Instagramming their own rings when the time comes, IMHO). It will also be open season for the size of the diamond. If it’s big enough to ice-skate on, like Kardashian big, you’re definitely gonna get shade thrown at you behind your back. And if it’s anything other than a diamond, you’ll get shade for trying to be “different.” Not that any of the said shade is valid or fair! But it’ll happen. Trust me.
This goes double if you put so many filters on the photo that it looks like your hand might be in Middle Earth.
4. They think they are displaying their ring “subtly” in a group photo. (They're wrong.) You’re like, putting your ring in my mouth through the screen. I have a diamond in my mouth now.
5. They do not realize that being a bridesmaid doesn’t make me an indentured servant who can drop everything to make sure the bachelorette party t-shirts are being shipped on time or whether those goody-bag dildos have little wedding veils on them like they were supposed to. I am happy to help plan! However, I still have a job and a life.
6. They forget that not everyone in their bridal party is made of money. Okay, so I'm throwing down for your destination wedding, a hotel room, this bridesmaids dress, the blender you registered for on The Knot, and shouldered most of the financial burden of your bridal shower and bachelorette party. So, like, I'm gonna be homeless now basically. Because that was rent. Actually, that was about four months' worth of rent, which I was too embarrassed to tell you because you already feel bad for me since I'm not engaged.
7. God willing, they don't, but occasionally they do use hashtags such as #blessed or #luckygirl. I mean, just, please.
8. They forget that not everybody wants to be them. I am so, so happy that you are happy, Engaged Friend! But happiness is so different for everyone. You should not assume that everyone outside the glorious cocoon of your love is emotionally freezing, begging for gruel like a Dickensian orphan. We good.
9. And finally, if they ignore these helpful reminders, they will evolve, Pokemon-style, into this.
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