A reader recently emailed me with an interesting question: What are guys thinking right after sex? I wanted to help because I wonder what women think about right after sex. The reader mentioned both one-night stands and sex in committed relationships.
One thing to keep in mind: If you have sex with a guy who is not thinking or reflecting on it (whether it's a one-night stand or not), it's a red flag. Anyone who dismisses something as intense as sex has no respect for the other person or themselves. I believe that every encounter deserves reflection, although most of my reflection is filled with self-loathing and self-doubt.
Here is how my twisted mind works right after sex:
Piecing the Night Together
Most of the time, one-night stands occur after a heavy night of drinking has battered my judgment. I hate that horrible feeling of waking up and realizing that something is slightly different and then it all hits me like a ton of bricks. I realize that someone random is with me. If I'm cursed enough to be the first one awake, I lie there trying to figure out how I got there by putting the previous night's exploits together like a puzzle...a very difficult puzzle.
Why Did I Do That?
After one-night stands, I analyze my mental state. Why did I end up doing this? Am I lonely? Losing respect for myself?
Is There Any Mystery Left?
One-night stands are counter-productive for long-term relationships because they are an accelerated form of a relationship. There's no courtship between meeting and sex. It's almost as fast as the Crystals song "Then He Kissed Me" , where the guy's asking her to dance and then two minutes later they are married. It's hard to get into a long-term relationship without comfortable pacing and the measured progression of surprises and moments.
Should I Call Her?
Naturally, one-night stands make for awkward good-byes. Usually, I feel obligated to call the girl and see her again, even if I'm not interested in seeing her again. But there is a lot of mental anguish as I decide what to do.
How Will I Tell My Friends?
It's bad, but guys do like to gossip. Even as I'm lying there the next morning, I'm going over the story and the order of friends I will tell.
What Are the Ramifications?
Whether I use protection or not, I worry about STDs. I have no idea who she's been with, and who her partners have been with.
Did She Enjoy It? (Performance Review)
Once you get into a serious relationship, you care a lot more about performance. After sex, I'll wonder if she enjoyed it but it feels too cheesy to ask her if she did. This is when I debate over whether she orgasmed or faked or whatever. I'd never make it on Broadway. In addition to wondering if my girlfriend enjoyed sex, I go over every little negative detail like a flawed audition. What did it mean when she kind of laughed? And how embarrassing was it when the condom slipped off? That can only mean bad: Either I wasn't hard enough, or I was too small for it. And because I'm never sure if anything was good, I can only dwell on the bad things.
Does She Feel Respected?
I try to be sensitive to how a girl feels right after sex. It is degrading if a guy "finishes his business" and then rolls off and leaves. It's important to hang out, laugh together, listen to some music, watch some TV, and, yes, cuddle. I admit that there's some physiological/psychological thing in guys that causes them to want to move on to something else as soon as they've ejaculated. But guys should make an effort to spend time with a woman after sex, even if they don't want to be there.
Are We Having the Right Amount Of Sex?
I don't want my girlfriend to feel like I'm obsessed with sex and having it too much, but I don't want her to feel like we're not having it enough. I consider frequency after each time we do it, and put it on a per week scale. Hopefully, she just tells me if she's satisfied with the amount of sex we are having.
What are women thinking about right after sex in both situations? Are you surprised about what I am thinking about? Are these things guys should be thinking about?
Follow me on Twitter: twitter.com/richravens